Udasi

 There is pain, there is sadness. Don't know which is more: it doesn't matter. I shall overcome is the song to hum for now. 

आज उदासी है 

अंदर बाहर पसरी खामोशी के दरमियाँ

ख़ाली मन की चित्कार

बड़ी कुशलता से छुप चली है 

अपनी अंदर समेटें रुदन को 

कि बाहर आने की

व्यक्त होने की

अब वजह नहीं 

मनचाहे श्रोता सो चुके है 

ओढ़े नींद की गहरी चादर 

जो बेशक़ीमत है 

और मेरी बात, जज़्बात ओछे, सस्ते 

सो मैं आँचल में ख़्वाब सँभाले

गिन रही हूँ पल

जो तक़दीर ने किए हवाले !

an 

Na jagah na wajah bachi

 When person you ache for is in dilemma infused confusion, all one can do is to put a stop to fuel that fire the flames 

Cyber -

don't ping 

with messages 

that bring 

promise of love

for my heart ails of

petrification

of another rejection

it has accepted 

love isn't her

song to sing!

 What does one do when the one whose shoulder and chest you look to rest you hurting head against, reports being damp and down? 

I decided to endure the scorch of life all alone.

तुम्हारी चुप थी 

तो लबों ने सोचा 

खामोशी का मैं भी 

बंद लगा लूँ,

तुम्हारा गीला जो सोखना है

अकेलेपन की धूप में 

अपने ख़ुद को

ख़ुद ही तपा लूँ ♥️

 Once again leashed back! I'll hold prisoner for rest of my life without clarity in my view - what's wrong and what's right in Your Dominion. Until then I will hide in smog of my words and feelings. Just listen ....

Lips yearn

for sips of you 

please pour

unto my urn 

for me -

spring of life 

springs from you.

Alter Ego!

Male abruptness is too harsh to endure for a feminine heart. Once again, carefree laughter turned into tears. What extreme emotions do I endure and why? Is it love for another or lack of love for self?

Pray tell -

Who is an alter ego?

One that you connect with when

it suits, and

then spurn?

And, if I am so

for you

where does my ego look

for it's shadow

besides in you?

Show -

where and how am I

a part

of all that you choose

to share the happenings

and going-on

in soul and your mind 

unbridled, unconditional

overtaken by sleep

or, whether full wake,

when and how do you turn

to me for peace

as a choice

that you'd rather make

and want to have

for your own sake

full well with knowing

life's a journey

where 'anitya'

defines the way...

and not coz 

I reach

I call much

to randomly connect

for value

that I receive

in love

with your company...?

Just know -

for you tho'

this might at the very best

be a ranting

that's mundane

Sweetheart, 

soul mateship isn't 

a one-way lane!

So, 

here I'm to voice

listen ....

to my heart's call in protest

all that it cares

to say -

it is Sayonara

from my heart

today.

Ye to hona hi tha!

 Don't want to elaborate on the pain that I felt. It was inevitable. 

हर साँस अभी पूछ रही है -

Hurt हो ?

और ख़ुद से ख़ुद को

क्या झुठलाना ?

हाँ हैं।

हैं तब भी, 

जबकि पता भी है

मेरी नियति है यही 

प्यार देना तो सिखलाया तुमने

भरपूर, पर 

लेन देन की परंपरा उल्लेखते 

भूल गये तुम ये तौर 

देने के साथ 

लेन की भी पारी है;

पास पड़ी थी 

मेरे नाम की पर्ची 

पर मेरी नियति 

तुम बिसरा गये! 

Witness

 My bestie is in sulk mode and I am in happy mode... how the twain shall meet? 🤔🫠

The vibrancy in my heart after seeing those snow clad because of mountain peaks and featherlight cloud passing by was so serenely intense and such that it reminded me of legendary Howard Roark who burst into a gut and gall filled laughter atop a hill. I carry this image in my head.

Witness

A beautiful dream it was

hard to wake up from

and open eyes

to chimes of clock....

I was travelling

I was light 

garbed in lightest of bluish white

I was aface a tall peak

all clad

in whitest of snow 

where it was 

I do not know

may be Arctic

may be Himalaya 

serenely witnessing 

coming and go 

of mortals 

on travel and adventure.

I witnessed too -

its beauty 

was sheer delight 

its height

its presence

calm and secure

silent, strong, and sure...

Then lo aho

I saw

apiece of cloud pass by;

it came in afloat 

with ease without breeze

it drifted in view

at leisure

fleetingly

adorning the mountainface 

with heart stopping allure,

the grace that was to witness 

was such a momentous sight 

ever so gently 

in my heart 

a bubble of glee arose 

I received and preserved it 

as seal 

of Almighty's presence 

that so certainly, longingly was asserted 

in all that seemingly 

at present is

so goddarned not right.

In dream I erupted 

in a heartful carefree laugh 

with knowing -

I am safe 

I am home 

at long last.

Dream

Yesterday it was Baba in black and today this dream of a stillbirth ... so vivid, so clear and I cried as I felt it's cold and still body as it lay in the womb that was meant to carry it safely into arms of life in wait. And yet it was gone before being borne. It felt like Samar's. Invoking Allah's protection for him and his unborn child.

In dream I felt the baby's skin, its genitals (noting) it's a male child, the striped cord wrapped around twice in a loop around the trunk. It had been strangulated. But can cord around trunk strangulate? The body showed signs of early maceration. I was reciting nauha of Ali Akbar alone and in grief with tears in that dream.

I woke up palpitating and perspiring at 2 am. Sat in meditation to recompose self. What's the meaning? What's it telling me metaphorically? Didn't get any answers. Let me note down the dream..

Dreamt -

Of stillbirth today

Early hours of morning

Woke up perspiring

Foetus.... no no baby

In the womb was dead

And still

With pain

In my bones

And an aching heart

I cried 

In vain - 

It was part of me 

Unborn and lost.

😭

Holding back is the light of wisdom. Why affect others with negativity scribed in my Akashic records - it has shown me nothing but the face of rejection and abandonment. I am scared stiff of getting close to anyone.... the moment I lose myself in love of another, they are taken away or driven to repel me in sheer distaste. Gosh, I should've become immune to this and still I end up crying in vain! Stupid me. Accept accept accept is the mantra to jaap.

नाराज़गी अगर है भी तो 

तुम से क्यों ? -

तुम ने तो पहले ही 

हाथ उठा

हृदय विहीन होने का 

है दावा ठोका 😊

अगर दिल मेरा डोला 

तो रब की पहचान का 

हम ने है तोहफ़ा समझा;

हाँ कसक है तो सही

उन फ़ासलों से

जो है दरमियान में पसरे 

पर इनको क़ुर्बत में बदलने

का हो हौसला किस का?

आप शम्स हो कइयों के

कई अंधेरे को है इत्मीनान 

जाने कब से -

हमें अंधेरों में जीने की है 

आदत भी कब से कब से; 

धूप का टुकड़ा जो मिला

जितना भी था, काफ़ी है रहा 

इस जन्म के लिए 

ना कोई तकलीफ़, ना शिकवा

ना ग़ुस्से का सिलसिला -

बस कोशिश यही 

कि परछाई मेरी 

किसी शम्स की रोशनी को

कर जाये ना रुसवा बेजा

छोड़ूँ ना किसी पर 

अपने नसीबों के गहन के 

गहरे निशाँ

शनि और मंगल के चक्करों का 

बड़ा डर है यहाँ; 

यक़ीन ख़ुद पे नहीं, और 

प्यार में स्वार्थ का कोईं 

दस्तूर नहीं

इसी फ़िक्र में 

शबो रोज़ मेरे कटते तनहा 🙏🏼 

Amazing how love catapults to amazing heights only to overthrow you in a nosedive, heart-stopping fall! 

Yet it's the most beautiful and elusive miracle of creation.

So -

the sun was out 

today -

it outshone colour 

of every floral

still in bloom;

the heart 

still held damp

of gloom

was residual 

from yesterday.

Feet 

jumped up 

to skip and step out 

to affirm - 

no more

not any more

let me not honour

being slave

with imprisonment 

within self imposed 

doom.

Love or no love 

from another,

in spirit of self preserve

let's breathe 

free.