New Year Resolution

It's New Year's Day today - 1st of January 2025. 2024 has been a rocky year revealing my utmost strength in face of adversity and vulnerabilities and voids that still stir me in face of love. 

Gratitude for all. 

Yesterday Paashu asked me what is my resolution for this year. So here it is:

Howls of wind

Splashes of rain

Pound the earth today,

My heart resounding 

With the pit pit patter

Is trying to configure

The call of Nature;

Is it trumpet

Being blown 

On start of year this day

Pulling me out 

Of year long reverie

Urging to resume,

Recommence my march;

Or, is it a wail for truce 

Urging, beseeching to let go

Of all that comprise

Unfathomable dance of life,

And instead

Take deep dive into 

Unknown Eternity?

In wisdom, I take heart

I choose compromise 

With dramas that unfold

Endlessly into the living's lap-fold;

And so I rest, 

With Self on hold

In stillness I chant 

To my wearied self -

Inaction 

Is my resolution 

For Light. 

PS: inspiration for this resolution is this verse of Quran:

Light upon Light; Allah guides to His Light whomever He wishes. Allah draws parables for mankind and He has knowledge of all things.

Al-Nur, 24:35

 How to trust love when it changes faces like that of constantly shifting seasons?

हमने मौसम को बदलते देखा है -

चाहत वो शय है 

जो यक़ीन को बदलने नहीं देती।

Relationships ki ulajh

 अब दिशा बदल गई ... too late 

Time pass today. Was rankled by DP addressing me as Maata anc VM as Didi 💕💕

अर्जुन सखा बने थे 

और कृष्ण थे सारथी -

इस प्यास का जुनून था 

पर आज टूटी लगन मेरी 

प्यारों की संबोधन ने जो 

बाँके बंधुत्व के बंधन से , 

इनकार कर दिया 💔

😿😿😿

Solistice night 22.12.24

Night of Solistice 

It's been a long one 

After a long drawn 

Battle with life

I call for truce ...

Let me be

As I am - free

Of want of company 

Other than Thee 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Phew!!!

 You know at times 

It's necessary

medicinal entirely 

To annoy you 

Or, else you'll stay 

Lost in the world of Divine 

Uncaring for the mortal

That we know as flesh

And all that being flesh

Could entail ...

Oh the angst 

Of doctoring a twin soul 

I keep knocking down walls

To open the view

And then

All I can do is  

Sigh a phew!!!

Travelogue

 

Oh how I've travelled

no - rather wandered

in quest of home 

a family 

that's not in shame

is happy to call me own

hoping I'll be strong 

once I belong

in love to love.

So quickening my step 

I tread  

uphill and downhill 

wading through 

sea-storm and sand-storm

at times quicksand

held my feet

quashing all hope

of rising from fall.

I risked my name 

time umpteen and more 

tagged prodigal amore 

lashed with integral shame

yet despite earning the claim

in yearn and pain

I tarried with sojourn

for mate of soul;

I've walked over 

plain and thorn

through mist and fog

with fatigue to bog

I've endured, until

your fragrance incensed

to pursue trail

with a quick glance in mirror 

to catch a glimpse 

of what it showed

of what was left in store

of Self.

Lo and behold 

with sinking spirit

I notice

crinkling crowfeet 

sag at corner of eye

grey on head 

lines on face

whiteness of gaze

soreness of feet

buckle in knee-

all speak clear

I haven't much to offer.

Yet heart beckons

resolute in resolve 

to find my home

with fired spirit, 

saying you're near 

I'm nearly there

don't stop

don't give up.

So, though bereft 

I hasten my pace

with urge to wipe 

my tear and snuffle

hide my face 

burrowed deep in chest

to find finat rest 

in your arm I'll snuggle 

to be at home...

It's then that I hear 

past life's call

nadi reader pronounces

announcing grasp of maya 

it lures heart toward pleasure 

in worldly abode;

he warns to matter what

regardless of effort

it's not meant to be.

Hold on says Guru

hearken don't pursue 

there's no time to falter 

greater good suffer 

in this duel 

of sanity with senses 

wisdom it is

to choose good 

over pleasure

that's transient 

as for you

it's been written ahead 

you're destined

to don sanyasa.

I accept 

the call without

further ado 🙏🏼

 Dhup se udhari laga rahe hain

Agle baras lautayenge 

• from Rashmi Ma'am's garden

कोई मेल नहीं ना?

जहां असंख्य प्यार करने वाले 

पड़े तुम्हारी झोली में 

मेरे आँचल में नफ़रत, अवहेलना 

तिरस्कार अपमान के ढेरों समान पड़े हैं 

Hero se Zero ka 

कोई मेल hai hi नहीं। 

 It's morning

And I've to hold 

On to yearnings 

That make me snuggle

In memory

Of eyes that melt

Smell and feel 

Of stubble 

That secures 

Presence 

That increasingly 

Means more and more...

I am at sea

With varying emotions

A ship has lost sight

Of lighthouse signal.

I love the feeling of dependence. It makes me feel looked after... should I daresay loved??🥰 

 In your zest

To keep me 

Non dependent 

Ahem...

Yeah a lass independent 

And my determination

To snuggle deep

Laying my head to rest

I'm lost,

It all gets undone 

Wonder to whom 

Does this doing belong?

You or I 

Or Niyati??

I am at sea

 I am in Delhi to attend wedding celebrations of Shashank's daughter's wedding. Was so tired last night ... every pore seemed to ache calling for pause... a rest. Woke up this morning with sound of laughter echoing in my consciousness- the spontaneous laughter that reverberated in my ears over the phone, playing on chords of my heart last night. I had expressed my gratitude to Providence for keeping a soulmate securely non-attached. It mattered to me... in a silly way. Deriving from books of wisdom -  it was a sign for me. And I am grateful.

I didn't mind being mocked. 

It's morning

And I've to hold 

On to yearnings 

That make me snuggle

In memory

Of eyes that melt

Smell and feel 

Of stubble 

That secures 

Presence 

That increasingly 

Means more and more...

I am at sea

With varying emotions

A sturdy ship has lost 

sight of lighthouse signal.

It's difficult..:

 Two days of living in a cocoon of love and restrain my impulsive self ... it was tough. Kept myself buried in Divakaruni's book - narrative of Sita of how she endured. So I endured. 

It's difficult

Being woman 

It hurts

In love.

Do you know 

How difficult it is 

To be woman

And preserve sanctity 

Of femininity,

To love yet withold 

Wait patiently 

To be pulled in circle 

Of protective arms 

To taste love 

In slow sips 

From lips 

That lure 

Lute to play 

In pining heart,

Or else forego

The dance of life 

With show of 

Impassivity?

I'll be patient 

with love.

It was a one night stand at Pash's place; watching him conduct himself in roles of son, friend, employer, neighbour, yogi, human being;

 इक हिंदू था

मिला ज़िंदगी के आख़िरी पक्ष की 

सड़कों पर

कुछ इस तरह मिला

श्रद्धा, भक्ति, ख़ुद के किरदार से

हमें बेहतर मुसलमाँ कर गया !

Udasi

 There is pain, there is sadness. Don't know which is more: it doesn't matter. I shall overcome is the song to hum for now. 

आज उदासी है 

अंदर बाहर पसरी खामोशी के दरमियाँ

ख़ाली मन की चित्कार

बड़ी कुशलता से छुप चली है 

अपनी अंदर समेटें रुदन को 

कि बाहर आने की

व्यक्त होने की

अब वजह नहीं 

मनचाहे श्रोता सो चुके है 

ओढ़े नींद की गहरी चादर 

जो बेशक़ीमत है 

और मेरी बात, जज़्बात ओछे, सस्ते 

सो मैं आँचल में ख़्वाब सँभाले

गिन रही हूँ पल

जो तक़दीर ने किए हवाले !

an 

Na jagah na wajah bachi

 When person you ache for is in dilemma infused confusion, all one can do is to put a stop to fuel that fire the flames 

Cyber -

don't ping 

with messages 

that bring 

promise of love

for my heart ails of

petrification

of another rejection

it has accepted 

love isn't her

song to sing!

 What does one do when the one whose shoulder and chest you look to rest you hurting head against, reports being damp and down? 

I decided to endure the scorch of life all alone.

तुम्हारी चुप थी 

तो लबों ने सोचा 

खामोशी का मैं भी 

बंद लगा लूँ,

तुम्हारा गीला जो सोखना है

अकेलेपन की धूप में 

अपने ख़ुद को

ख़ुद ही तपा लूँ ♥️

 Once again leashed back! I'll hold prisoner for rest of my life without clarity in my view - what's wrong and what's right in Your Dominion. Until then I will hide in smog of my words and feelings. Just listen ....

Lips yearn

for sips of you 

please pour

unto my urn 

for me -

spring of life 

springs from you.

Alter Ego!

Male abruptness is too harsh to endure for a feminine heart. Once again, carefree laughter turned into tears. What extreme emotions do I endure and why? Is it love for another or lack of love for self?

Pray tell -

Who is an alter ego?

One that you connect with when

it suits, and

then spurn?

And, if I am so

for you

where does my ego look

for it's shadow

besides in you?

Show -

where and how am I

a part

of all that you choose

to share the happenings

and going-on

in soul and your mind 

unbridled, unconditional

overtaken by sleep

or, whether full wake,

when and how do you turn

to me for peace

as a choice

that you'd rather make

and want to have

for your own sake

full well with knowing

life's a journey

where 'anitya'

defines the way...

and not coz 

I reach

I call much

to randomly connect

for value

that I receive

in love

with your company...?

Just know -

for you tho'

this might at the very best

be a ranting

that's mundane

Sweetheart, 

soul mateship isn't 

a one-way lane!

So, 

here I'm to voice

listen ....

to my heart's call in protest

all that it cares

to say -

it is Sayonara

from my heart

today.

Ye to hona hi tha!

 Don't want to elaborate on the pain that I felt. It was inevitable. 

हर साँस अभी पूछ रही है -

Hurt हो ?

और ख़ुद से ख़ुद को

क्या झुठलाना ?

हाँ हैं।

हैं तब भी, 

जबकि पता भी है

मेरी नियति है यही 

प्यार देना तो सिखलाया तुमने

भरपूर, पर 

लेन देन की परंपरा उल्लेखते 

भूल गये तुम ये तौर 

देने के साथ 

लेन की भी पारी है;

पास पड़ी थी 

मेरे नाम की पर्ची 

पर मेरी नियति 

तुम बिसरा गये! 

Witness

 My bestie is in sulk mode and I am in happy mode... how the twain shall meet? 🤔🫠

The vibrancy in my heart after seeing those snow clad because of mountain peaks and featherlight cloud passing by was so serenely intense and such that it reminded me of legendary Howard Roark who burst into a gut and gall filled laughter atop a hill. I carry this image in my head.

Witness

A beautiful dream it was

hard to wake up from

and open eyes

to chimes of clock....

I was travelling

I was light 

garbed in lightest of bluish white

I was aface a tall peak

all clad

in whitest of snow 

where it was 

I do not know

may be Arctic

may be Himalaya 

serenely witnessing 

coming and go 

of mortals 

on travel and adventure.

I witnessed too -

its beauty 

was sheer delight 

its height

its presence

calm and secure

silent, strong, and sure...

Then lo aho

I saw

apiece of cloud pass by;

it came in afloat 

with ease without breeze

it drifted in view

at leisure

fleetingly

adorning the mountainface 

with heart stopping allure,

the grace that was to witness 

was such a momentous sight 

ever so gently 

in my heart 

a bubble of glee arose 

I received and preserved it 

as seal 

of Almighty's presence 

that so certainly, longingly was asserted 

in all that seemingly 

at present is

so goddarned not right.

In dream I erupted 

in a heartful carefree laugh 

with knowing -

I am safe 

I am home 

at long last.

Dream

Yesterday it was Baba in black and today this dream of a stillbirth ... so vivid, so clear and I cried as I felt it's cold and still body as it lay in the womb that was meant to carry it safely into arms of life in wait. And yet it was gone before being borne. It felt like Samar's. Invoking Allah's protection for him and his unborn child.

In dream I felt the baby's skin, its genitals (noting) it's a male child, the striped cord wrapped around twice in a loop around the trunk. It had been strangulated. But can cord around trunk strangulate? The body showed signs of early maceration. I was reciting nauha of Ali Akbar alone and in grief with tears in that dream.

I woke up palpitating and perspiring at 2 am. Sat in meditation to recompose self. What's the meaning? What's it telling me metaphorically? Didn't get any answers. Let me note down the dream..

Dreamt -

Of stillbirth today

Early hours of morning

Woke up perspiring

Foetus.... no no baby

In the womb was dead

And still

With pain

In my bones

And an aching heart

I cried 

In vain - 

It was part of me 

Unborn and lost.

😭