Tarpan

Today is the day of offering (तर्पण) sacrifice to 'मुनासिबत'.

This was coming anyway .... a number of theoretical premises can be put forward and hypotheses conjectured to explain what and why. What's the point? Like I could say that the other's heart is stirred by someone else. Or, familiarity breeds contempt - and my not playing hide and seek games out of the regard I hold for feeling of Love and You and Your Divine plan is my undoing. All a series of unknown possibilities. However, what I've come to know for certain and from experience is that you don't want me to be fulfilled in heart. So be it. 

Yesterday DP lost his father's watch. He was hurt and I was in pain ... knowing full well what such sentimental losses mean to a sentimental soul. And then intuition alerted me that this is coming. The loss was perhaps taken as a sign from the departed soul and after a long gap in communications, when I reached out, I got this message  👇🏼

"मैं भूल जाऊँ तुम्हें 

अब यही मुनासिब है ,,,,"

Well who am I and how dare I question - "मुनासिबत"?

I always have and will always accept. 

Yet let's be clear on the terms of this parting deal between You and I. No matter how much pine and pain you parcel out to me with twists and turns in Your storyline, I will not humiliate the नारी within me and send her out with a begging bowl for love. So....

आज से 

फिर से आँख सूनी है 

सूनी है दिल की माँग

तुम कर अपना प्रण अर्पण

सब बिसर 

जा बैठो 

अपने रब के परिसर, 

भजन कीर्तन का करो 

उस ठौर सहर्ष अलाप;

मेरा घट तो सदा 

अलख निरंजन 

मौन, चुप को धार 

मैं भी सहज 

रागूँगी राग विराग 🙏🏼

Dealing with the void is to Pause

 II guess, I am not the only one haunted by this feeling - the vacuum is powerful👇🏼

I feel incomplete

On more than one fronts 

It's not that 

I haven't tried enough

In fact it has been too much

And it's about time 

I sense - 

In this journey of

Pretty little and so much

I come to rest, just

Pause.

love and war

Love is my elixir, especially now when all seemed dark and ugly in my personal life. I am grateful. It has, though, taken my eyes off the world radar and calling of my soul - to alleviate suffering due to disease and death. 

News of the escalating war in the Middle East hit hard last night when I caught up on world news after a long heart-to-heart with Pash. Remorse for selfishness and being lost in my own healing was there....but can an ailing medicine man bring any good to anyone?

I've been selfish

I am in anguish

for I forgot

I was lost

so rapt in the moment

that was wrapped around

you and me.

I forgot

there's a war raging

innocent lives were being taken

by death for no reason

except for their nation

warlords -

had decreed

it to be dead!

Childhood was being orphaned

youth being maimed

young bride being widowed

before the night's shadow fell

she didn't get a chance

to feel safe

in her lover's first embrace;

mother, daughter, young and old

even unborn in the womb

all were sent back home

where they'd come from

with sudden blasts of bomb -

indiscriminate

in the violence

was spelt their

power-ordained doom.

Darling -

amidst this havoc

what right did I have

in sweet company, I've languished

devouring beauty

when you sing

ever so lovely -

each and every song?

I sit beside me now

on solitary lonesome watch

I soak

newsfeed after newsfeed

is being served

past the midnight clock

to deliver knock

perhaps on conscience,

in sorrow

my grief is partnered

by the darkness of remorse.

How could

I while off time

in play of match with Cupid

so lost I was in his trance

for I knew none

to be more sublime

than tug of unconditional luv;

here though in this hour,

wakefulness has made its call-

I'm sorry

I'm afraid

it all feels

very very wrong;

and makes me ask

how could my breath

breathe fury

at wanderings

of your philandering heart,

whoever there

reigned supreme

while you'd given

her reins of your heart;

why ever should

mundane matter

when time's swift on move,

in my flow of gay abandon

so blinded I was,

I'd missed to see

our planet's tumultuous mood.

Now in this wake-minute

it's obvious

where I stand

is nigh closer to the end

than from where it'd all begun,

I question so -

how dare I

rise beyond the norm

and not heed the human cry

how dare I fall in love

when call of suffering

should've left me

gut strong and in heart light;

it was the need of hour

to stride right

for the right.

Sorry,

if I say and admit, I've been selfish

so in anguish

I'm penning down remorse -

well, they say all is fair

in true love and, in any

goddamned hateful war -

will this excuse then suffice

my indiscretion be forgiven

will it be judged fairly-fair

in match to

unfairness in this war?

 जाने क्यों Pash quizzed today -

Quiz for you - तुमने ख़ुद की खुदाई देखी है? 

My truth responded -

हम तो बंदगी में भी

नाकाम और महरूम रहे

खुदाई की ऊँचाई 

है मेरे ख़ुद से परे!

जो अपना गुदवा कर आया था

भाई, सगा, संबंधी

और वो भी जिस ने समक्ष तुम्हारे 

जीने मरने की सौगंध में 

उमर भर कह के बांधा था,

एक हिचक भी ली ना किन्होंने 

मन लूट, कर सर्वनाश भरोसा 

रिश्तों को कटुता से काटा था ..,

क्या कमी रह गई थी 

उस पल में मेरे रोने 

तुम्हारे रूलवाने में 

भरपूर रक्तरंजित प्याले थे मेरे

घड़ा भर अश्रु बहाई मैं 

क्या सोच समझ तुम अब फिर 

मन में प्रीत जगाते हो

ढलते सूरज के आँगन में 

पूस के धूप की आस लगवाते हो! 

हास, रास, मगन ठिठोली

को सबीना ही मिल पायी 

साथ ख़राब से ऊँची आबादी 

कही और प्रेम प्रसंग सजाओ ना।

साथ तुम्हें नहीं देना मेरा 

फिर क्यूँ अनायास ही 

प्रेम प्रसंग अनजाने से करवाते हो?

एकाकीपन तुम्हें पसंद हमारा

हम ने भी ये तसलीम पिया 

लेकिन निष्ठुर बन छेड़ो ना 

किसी गाम से बंसी की तान पिया 

कानों में रस घुलवा

आकुल मन को करती है 

प्रिय मिलन को आतुर करती 

साथ जिया ये ढूँढे है।

थाम लिया देखो हिये को 

आँचल को समेत है बांध लिया 

अधूरेपन का एहसास लिए 

जी लेंगे 

तान दो हम पर गहरी चादर 

सो जाऊँ मन में 

यादों के मधुर संगीत लिए।

बावली ब्यार

Leashing emotions is not easy for me; however, I am not willing to walk paths where being trampled and spurned is destiny.

बावली ब्यार

बहा लाई फिर इक बार 

मेरी गली ले आई 

बेसाख़्ता -

हज़ार उल्फ़तों का नूर।

बीज था 

वो प्यार का, 

परमात्मा का लिए स्वरूप

ना अपेक्षा की  क़ैद थी 

ना बांधने की कोई उमंग 

मायूसी, उम्मीदों की 

नहीं छिड़ी थी छाओं धूप;

फिर भी अंतराल में 

जाने क्यों ठन पड़ी 

ख़ुद अपने आप से ही जंग!

शायद वक़्त बड़ा नावक़्त था?

तुम प्रीत से भयभीत थे 

और हम इस यक़ीन पे थे 

अड़े हुए अटल टिके -

मिले मुहब्बतों का सिला हमें

ऐसा तक़दीर ने लिखा नहीं;

फिर क्युँकर 

हमारे दयार पर प्यार की 

नादार सी कली खिले,

कि सूखी हमारी है ज़मीन

सदा बंजर, बेजान खंडहर रही  

तो बाग़बानी का कैसे याँ 

कोई भी सिलसिला चले ?

हैं धर्मो कर्म के भी अनगिनत 

कई कई निरर्थक चोचले

याँ बात बेबात में ही नित 

बन जाते कई मसअले;

शास्त्रों का लिखा तो पता नहीं

पर शक का जहां व्यापार हो 

रब की रज़ा का ख़याल हो 

उस चमन को जिला 

हमें क्या मिले 

क्या ना मिले;

सो इस सफर के दौर में 

मन मद खो गया 

तो क्या हुआ -

प्यास के दर्द से अब कोई 

रहा गिला नहीं।

बेहतर है आज आओ हम 

मिलजुल के यूँ बाँट लें 

निभा दें दीन दुनिया से 

अपनी वफ़ा की ज़िम्मेदारियाँ,

बर्बादियों की कुछ ऐसे हम ठान लें -

लगाओ हम पे तुम अपने वक़्त की 

बारहा बंदिशो पे बंदिशें

और हम भी सांस भींच कर 

अपनी सींच जी भर के जरा रोक लें -

नन्ही सी पौध है अभी

हर मर्म को परे धरे

चलो इसे जड़ से ही 

उखाड़ दें।

इन काविशों का हो हुसूल

कुछ भी ना तो ए सखा

इतना तो बस ज़रूर हो,

इस नाक़दरी से हमारे 

अहं को मिले ज़रा सुकून तो; 

ना तुम झुको

ना हम गिरें

अड़े रहें हम आन पर 

दिल होवे चाहे पाश पाश

हमारी चाहतों को पर मिले 

कभी कोई सा न दोष 

इसलिए खुद से तो कर ली दिल्लगी 

पर करी ना किसी घड़ी 

हमने प्यार की बंदगी क़ुबूल

यूंही चलते रहो तुम अपनी राह पर

हम रहेंगे खड़े तुम से दूर।

Never say Never

 Boy, have you rubbed my nose to the ground!

Yes You have. I had declared that love will never happen to me again - not in arrogance but in contentment and acceptance that it's not scribed for me by You in scroll of destinies. And this is how You've shown me the ground? 

Thank You. 

Each day unfolds

Holding within its kernel  

Your splendour's there to display

In ordinary mill of day

I've held, borne witness to an array

Of many many miracle 

They unfold

To dusk from dawn

Back again to show of sun,

In ordinary haps along the way, 

I've seen to near sixty 

In year - if I were to count

And learnt in bittersweet way

"Never to say never" -

Is the wisdom 

That's here to stay!

 I don't know if I've been silly. I do know I was honest, when I objected to be tagged as friendly Bro'. My feelings were as far removed from brotherly-sisterly affection as the sun is from moon. So I raised objection to protect the face of most sacred of emotions which takes seed in the most unexpected of grounds/ situations and circumstances. 

It hurt

It's uncomfortable 

My feet had outgrown 

Big Bro boot that u'd clad 

Them in-

Wait, let me walk barefoot 

On rain sodden grass 

May be it'll ease

Soreness of my heart 💔

दर्पण का सवाल

The cycle of personal pain and anguish on all fronts - physical and emotional over the past year has opened my heart even more to the pain and suffering writ large on face of humanity. I am part of it as an observer and perpetrator too. Guide me to alleviate as much and as long as I can - is the prayer that soul calls out for, as I sit in reception waiting for my turn to be called in for postop follow up appointment. The Consultant is late and held up in a road traffic accident. The TV news anchor is announcing the damages in Gaza.

आज आईना में 

जो अक्स है 

अब मेरा नहीं रहा 

यहाँ प्रतिमिंबित पीड़ परायी है 

तस्वीर दिखा 

जो पूछ पड़ी मुझ से - 

नज़र चुरा ना

भीत को तज 

दर्द साझ तु

हर के ज़ख़्म को सोख ज़रा 

क्या इस के वजूद में

कुछ अंश नहीं 

तेरी भागीदारी का? 

Kintsugi

In the names of Al Khaliq (The Creator) and Al Musawwir (the Artist), I am driven to ask:

I'm so battered

and bruised

broken to pieces

in a zillion 

different ways;

The crescendo

This time 

Is sound of shatter

With crack opening of ego

Self’s been decimated;

Echo of Big Bang 

Reverberates in Universe within 

Unsung life’s song

I hear -

Resounding reassuringly 

The gong

States what? -

Is this my final ode?

I’m done with 

Or shall I still cling

To hope 

I’ll breakthrough 

As a new piece revived 

To serve

Afresh with Your

Kintsugi?