Kuch padha

Kuch likha bhi

Dil ki sargoshi suni

Aansoo ki barsat mein sichi

Akele pan ki aag mein paki

Yuun din dhala raat ki or

Phir raat roshan huwi

Bas aise hi tanha tanha

Main din raat 

khud se khud mein basi.

Shukran Allah.

Mind points a blaming finger
At heart
Which gazes allegedly
At You -

Where does that leave me
My friends

Body, heart and mind
Am I deserted completely
By all of you?

Transitions

This place that I sit 

To watch magnificence 

Of Your creation 

Gives me vantage and view

Of two transitions -

The edge of solid land 

With rocks and dry sand

Etched against 

Tumultuous, turbulent flow

Of sea water;

And then there's the sky - pink and rose

Set further beyond 

Near the line of horizon

It bows down

To meet in humility 

The serene blue

Of still and calmed - distant sea

Marking at last

Ascent of matter

With acceptance

From the distant Heaven.

I have crossed the first line

Transcending the second 

Is my goal.

Mirage of mind

No riches

No diamonds set in stone

No lavish endowment 

No jet set race

All I wanted

Was strong arms to brace

Where a weakling soul

Could turn in for respite

In surrender - tenderly rest my head

When times got thick

Going was tough

emotions ran raw

And 'me' needed to hide

Burying my face

Deep - in smell of your chest

I was seeking my shelter

With trust in Divine

And unshakeable belief

That then at that moment

Nothing could change - 

We were one

You were mine!

Miraculous, mystical, mysterious

Are words that surface

When I fish in sea of consciousness

Hoping to catch from left overs

Of loitering waves

The shell that encapsulates

All that I have felt of You

I love You.

My life is a space 

Given to me for dreams

I do not 

Want to wake up

Till my horizon's been reached.

Jotted on 28.1.10

Thanksgiving

It's thanksgiving today

And the long list

That puts flutter in my heart

Kindles the flame of joy

That flickers with light

To drive darkness away

Now and everyday

It's Your presence

That's been my saving Grace

So I whisper -

Thank you 

For letting it be known

That while that's there

Rest all will serenely

Fall in place.

This time the sea is sedate

coming on in gentle roll

calm without roar and uproar

not wanting to break to bits 

rocks that adorn the shore -

I scan surface

to witness 

settling of sea froth

to see clear 

my change of course

a year of tumult

has just gone past

graced by Your loving hand

that steered me through

to ease

at home in the deep

with stillness 

I rest in peace.

22.11.13

To try

is all that's human

- this ability

You endowed us with

to pursue

the promised nirvana

.......

and so I do

trudge uphill upstream

- nor for the lush of green 

in heaven

its only to find freedom

when I be one 

with You.

There're many paths

To You, however

Only one that's right and true

And if all seem similar 

With their arid and green

Tell me how

Do I distinguish between?

I've then left none

but to say

Let me off the blame

Of falter on way - 

sight of discernment 

That's due from You. 

Change

It's said

And I've read 

Of the Wise

That when 'I' is realised

It's time to change qibla

Turn direction

To the One

Without why

To give all that remains with 'my'

To let go, return

To where it'd been received from

And so I turn 

to face,

In my lifetime - the human race 

Children of Adam 

Is all that I have seen of You.

Butterfly flew

Caterpillar crawled

It turned within

When restlessness stirred 

A sea so vast 

That was withheld 

from rising to meet

The sky of its dream

A Knowing Hand then

Cracked its shell

Lo behold 

The ripples set forth

Lofty waves that

Rose beyond 

A silent potential

Was thus released

To transform and grow

When wings of freedom 

Flapped the soul

Who could stop 

What was meant to be?

When HE intervened

True beauty was born

From trappings of form

Brave and sure 

The butterfly took to its wings!

ON BIRTHDAY of my sister who has embarked on her own flight free of fear, so full of light.

Who am I?

Wrapped in blue 

of time tattered shawl

in still, silent solitude

I sit tall

taking stock 

of vestiges that’ve fallen

off me.

I see

daughter, sister, mother, lover

a woman

who stubbornly nurtures 

a wayward child within

a professional loving to serve
changing cloak, coat and hat 

whenever health bugles have called

for ailment to take a toll

or suffering to give a knock -

she’s been there 
in care 
to be.

And now that urn

has shown crack

letting each role leak
slip past

there comes to note

a self 
that quietly sits -

unblinkered, unfazed by light

it looks around to 
find and pick 
of pieces lying around

choosing to ask

who am I?

whats here thats mine
for me?

I seek

with perseverence 
wanting to keep 
whats ‘me’ in me

I grope 
feel raw at shorn edge

I wish to make myself 

one and whole

from all remains 

that're scattered here

so I stop to look 

look again to see;
each fragment 

of my broken form
for sure 

furthers off my extended reach

it recedes like a mirage
fades away

as though it were
merely an illusion.

Subtly softly

truth comes to fore 

to say, hey you

you do not grieve

destiny had to take control

to tear apart 

all shroud, cover and veil

it had to mortar
my colourful shell 

to bits 
that bore mark of me my and mine

too proud in shallow identity

the one who sits at core
was aching to be revealed.

It has been

long time 
to let it be known

an introduction

was waiting to happen

its wanted to be seen
as one that had endured
myself through
haps and mishaps -

this self was present with me
all through and so much more!

It beseeches
and asks of me

to know 
what's my true identity:

who I was

who I am 
and choose

who I want to be.

So I rest 
to listen

as this ‘I’ 

in whispres beguns
to speak

unscathed, unscarred by all

it longs for rhythm 
and dance of life as me

be joyous, revel in sunshine

simply moon at moon of night sky

living beyond 
each and every realm

being happy, laugh, smile and be 

present with every
sight, sound, smell, sense and taste

that's ushered in
as my life 
turns its page.

The roles I lived

lasted a while
for this observer
to go on being with me 
without any holding back

my ‘I’

was always here

not known
or recognised by me;
as it withstood 
the tests of time

to reach, attain its call 

when pre-programmed destiny
called its roll
it never turned back
on me.

It took so long  

for penny to drop

Divine simply had 
to intervene -

when I was enthralled, smug
full of self

on stage where spotlight fellthat was all I could see

so deafened by clap 

and loud applause

it needed more 
for me to pause 

for once to look

do reality check

for real 'me' in me;

the Master therefore

took control

to break me 

out from under cover

of meaningless mirth
loiter and laughter
that I played with 
laze and ease

I was humbled then

brought down to knee

steered to know 
a certain Truth -

all that's in me 
of any worth

or of any matter

is that I am
I continue to be
no matter what befell
I've remained one who
is meant to last

to bear witness thru’ 
a lifetime of work

honour and behold

His lasting presence
in drama that'll unfold

that is all 
that has endured

in love of peace
with joy to share

without condition, non partisan

it wants become Whole

and One with any and all 

by willlingly living itself 

fully out through me,

all that's here 
as truly mine
I recognise, it only

comes from Him

its His alone 
and when His Will's done

to dot of 'i', cross of 't'

'I' that I am 
shall cease to be 

to Him I'll return
having lived
eternity thru' Eternal
indeed that's

the real ‘me’ in me.

How much it takes 

not to give up, to persevere

when odds are 

turned against;

on darkest of life's alley way

when there's access nought

except over and above

a loosely stretched

slippery not so taut tight rope...

Its taken a life time to learn

as for every other soul

who is made to walk

the life's sojourn 

to receive eternal lesson 

that beyond all seen

there's but One
invisible resource and Presence

beyond comprehend
of finite senses

it's This that matters alone

Its has been waiting
to be known

draw each one to bear witness

and see its Light

by end of their time and day!

Wrapped in blue 

of my time tattered shawl

in silent, stillness and solitude

I sit tall

to take stock 

of vestiges that’ve fell off me -

a woman, daughter, sister, mother, lover

stubborn wayward child forever

professional who loves to serve 

changing cloaks, coat and hat

even when 
personal health bugles call

for ailments to take toll

so much that
urn did crack.

All that was me

is bygone now

I stop to look 

then look again

of what remains there to seewhich one of these holds real me?
i whistle and whisper to get its heed

until subtly softly it comes to fore

an ‘I’ was unaware of 
for so long before -

its waiting silently

unscathed, unscarred by all.

aching to dance to a lively tune

Revel in sunshine

look to moon at Moon

ready to laugh

smile with wink
flatter all sense

with sight, sound and smell 

that ushers in with every breath 

refusing to age
or dwell to suffer
with itchy sole
ready to scale
all height and depths
live the life to very full
prepared to battle

take stand for cause

that touches core, moves my heart
it aches to reach 
beyond earthly shackle
and attain more than call

of pre-programmed destiny.

So with whom should I identify? -

The social roles 
that were capped on me

to last a while - then fade with time

Or, this ‘I’

That's been laid back

Waiting to be known

By me alone.

As I pondered

a penny dropped –

So this was why

Divine intervened

to let me be known

through all that enthralled

on stage of life where spotlight fell
exposing mesmerising hues 

of my coloured pot'

lost in applause

that came across

when did I ever once 

pause to see or heed

the ‘I’ 
that remained under cover.

Destiny however 
when it took control

ruthlessly tore all 
illusory role -

all was mortared to its very bit

till it was revealed –

what lay at core alone

was Self that’d endured

battering of sense thru' time;

the silent observer

then got to see and ask

when glare did recede –

who am I?

who am I?

who will be I always be?

Perception bubbled

As ‘I’ at rest
left myself to be steered
with Divine's hand 

in prime control

I regained lost sight and track

brought humbly down to knee

Grace let it be known 

for certain

the Truth spoken, written 
by my very soul 

Yes yes I know I've to make amend
with who I am -

I am that

who is meant to last

beyond all realm
of finite time and space of earth

born with life to bear witness
of eternal, ever lasting truth

of magnificent Presence

that endures for love and peace;

that I am

is a gift to me

it comes from no other, but He

all that's truly true in me

is His and His alone -

this is the 'I' 

thats here to stay and reside 
and then return

when the Supreme will's done

to dot of 'i'

and cross of 't'.

What is liberation?

It's realisation? 

Realisation of what? 

Of Self  

How'll self realisation dawn

With action -

U'll have to do? 

Do what? 

Ask, query 'Who r u?' 

Unveil, remove illusion

Seek hidden core, inner truth

To reveal pearl

In oyster

Be still

Be silent

Be with solitude 

Let miracle then unfold

When light and love

Begin to seep thru shell

That's unpicked

What's revealed 

Is the Divine in You.

Let's be connected

Lets be one

In consciousness 

Of our being

Let's enjoin

To make together

Pristine peaceful White

Coz spectrum of VIBGYOR 

When emerges out 

Of the illusions in prism

It's inevitable

It'll merges to form

Radiance of White Light 

That illuminates to serve

With splendour and love

The  eternal truth:

From Him we've come 

To Him we'll return

Having served Divine intent 

That stitched, sow each Self

onto rich tapestry of life.

I heeded
calling of my heart
and heard
Your name was
being whispered
in still silence.

I sought
for healing of my soul
then felt cool salve
anointed on
with hope alight as flame
I knew transitory bite
was to lessen
human pain.

I looked
for partner among all folk
I found none willing to walk
all along - until in despair
I turned in
and sighted You
on Divine throne
I smiled with a wow
in this company -
who now
would say I am a lone?

A friend questions

at mid-stations of my life

who is a real husband?

I whisper aloud

he is a Man

who cares and cherishes

nourishes cheer

in life with you

without pheras or fire

any statements of I do

he joins joyous dance

to celebrate and desire

all that's alive in you.

Hold on

waves over waves rolled in
toppled me over
while i determinedly
clung to land
holding on to sand
with might
that was to hand...
until coarse grains of mini gravel parted
they edged
and gave me hold
without push or shove
it stood me up from fall -
it was now for me
to claw my way
on to anchor
on uneven shore
that life offered
as transit,
its a temporary ordain
a tranquil rest
from where
another journey
is surely about
to begun.

keep out the chill

I did well
last night to keep out the chill
i hugged
hot water bottle
close to heart
doing so -
I'd bedded
sleep in no time.

अकेलेपन क़ा स्वाद
स्वादिष्ठ है यूँ क़ि
विराजमान हो मन में
अब केवल तुम
जिस के परे न खींच सकें हैं यहाँ
कोई नर या नरेंद्र
वासना या दर्द की लकीरें
असत प्रीत के नाम पर  -
तो सम्भालो मुझे इस पल
की मुझे समतल
धरती की तलाश है
जहाँ भावनाओं के उतार चढाओ
की बाधा रुकावट न बने.

You and I
we came
from the very Same
here and now
in common time and space
to behold and listen
hold hearts and hands
to tango life's dance
together....

you ask

why i turn to you?

i say

coz i believe 

i was turned by Him to you

and I know

as a shepherd

will never mislead

his flock,

a father never misguide

his errant child
never will He lead astray
when having lost the way
we suffer in trial, travail
and seek
that we be shown
our purpose and His cause -

so its been

when neck deep in woe

not knowing who's friend

who's the foe

I was gently swirled around -
Grace chose to show
His face

to behold, reach out,
stay afloat 
then anchor

and remarkably in doing so
The Creator

with ease delivered both
in single masterstroke!

To try

alone is all that's human -

this ability 

to persevere, press on

through adversity

we pursue

with what was endowed

in promise of nirvana

.......

And so I do

and do again

not to head

for lush of heaven

it's only 

to be one with You.

ठोकर लगी
तो गिरे
फिर उठे
फिर चले
कुछ यूं कि -
थिरकने लगी ज़िन्दगी!

heart vs mind

Mind beckons 

with thoughts 

and many crafted reasons,

it lures

towards baser identity

whereas the heart -

it calls upon

to rise 

with every single beat

if listened to,

it inspires to attain

Divine eternity.

As winter freeze

thawed this year

through mellow spring 

to give 

way to summer breeze -

I saw three choices present

for my yet un-lived 

years of life.

In answer to

oft asked question

Who am I

- a child of God

- God's reflection

- or, a servant of God?

without a flicker or doubt

not with any hesitation

I bowed in gratitude

to chose

to be a mere instrument

of Grace -

it unfolds life 

to flow with 

the Divine will.

From darkness

leaped at me

Demons of loneliness

Deception and a sadness profound

I then seized upon fear

using as lever

I valiantly peered

at bygone past

and found -

looking lovingly

at my soul's silent ground

You stood beyond, yet near

With light upheld

I could see God

alone His presence

unwaveringly stood

to show 

my faltering self -

the way.

Thank You

- for I've finally

put a full stop

with complete peace

to my fall

in ache and pine

to be in love

and loved too

as I leafed thru' 

Liz Gilbert's journey

to eat pray and love

it was impossible

not to notice

how remarkably wondrous

and gentle was Your way

to let the penny drop

and sink to let me know

the what, why, how

of happenings of my life

and now

that I know You

I know myself better too

its easy to accept -

all that matters

here and now

in ever-expanding Universe

is the only truth and case

there's only this that matters

- affair's just

between You and me.

wounded soul
seeks no salve
but to rest its being
savour the whole
that seeps off
when awakened

From slumber!

belief versus certainty

I've converted -

from one who believed

to one who is certain

for belief came with duress 

as I

had to look, hear, try

consider to make sense

then proclaim 

without depth of knowing:

'I believe', 

with certainty however

nature aligns 

self to the invisible force

it knows

without being told

I'm certain 

there's a purpose to being -

its to humbly respond
to Creator's call.

थक गयी हूँ
पड़ाव ढूंढ़ते ढूंढ़ते
शायद सच है यही
 यहाँ सिर्फ़ सफ़र है
ठिकाना  कही नहीं।

every moment
consciousness seeks to materialise
with yet more clarity
the way to be whole -
then fears and old beliefs
surface as trappings
of very own ego
to shackle dream
urge not to soar
beyond known realm
of my comfort zone
in name of safe security,
yet heart refuses
to follow and tow line
etched painstakingly
by long gone ancestors..
in plain despair
i peer
thru' glassy darkness
of the night of soul
to read signs
that were left behind
by those who'd dared
to trod
the road not taken -
choice becomes then ever
so clear
i know
rather than stay
in known zone
i've to step out
cross Lakshman's line -
me prefers to
take leap of faith
experience fall through uncertainty.

This broken tree
its been turned to logs
that I sit upon
to rest, pause awhile
to soak refresh
in sight of green
it tells me
with awareness of pain
that's part of every broken form -
despair not
for within gloom that
dares to penetrate
thru' cracks of rot
in the fallen tree
still speaks of hope
that says to feel
each moment of incompleteness
that lies within
as a raw space
untouched, unfilled
waiting with tender reminder
to be cherished not condemned
its remains yours to say
whatever destiny
brings your way
core strength of purpose
is never to be taken away
by pine and pain of undeserving love
there's still lies within
broken self a further capacity
to serve, to give -
broken logs of my being
are still of worth and able
to offer tranquil and needed rest
I can still be respite
for a while
to another tired, worn out soul.

Its Ramazan

Its Ramazan -
you ask and it'll be given,
my mother whispers
in my lonesome ears
urging to bring some cheer
to my quiet
that seems as gloom
to her gentle, despairing heart.

I return
from reverie
I break to smile:
Mom - I've been given
even more before
when I knew not
what's mine to ask for
He turned the show
in Royal style
for me to perceive experience
of miracle -
I was given chance
this year to see
my very own wayward soul
as one with Whole
when I glimpsed and saw
my own self
reflected thru' another eye
and this blessing came
unasked my way
much before it was Ramazan.

कितनी आसानी से
तुमने चमत्कृत किया
कर्ण का स्वरुप अनायास
मन में उतार
अल्हड चित से अपरिचित को
सहज कुछ यूं कहलवा दिया -
मैं कर्ण हूँ
पहचान सको तो पा लो
कि ये प्रसाद प्रतीत है
प्रभु के बल से
साँझ ढले आया है
इस से पहले कि
सूर्यप्रकाश विलीन हो
दिल संभालो -
ये पाप कहाँ
ये पावन प्यार
तुम्हारा है.

As quest 

for why, where, what and who

ends - I look for crumbs

and leftovers

on my plate

all that's here is mine
I know

all that's left now 
will stay

it'll be only for You

So once again

I turn a page

Without blindfolds this time 

I look through visible script
to read the scrawl 
of invisible hand

that holds for me

the decree 

of Divine.

Cry of heart

So much 

You've given me

Above those around

I know

I accept

I thank

Yet appeal for more -

More of content

More patience

More vision

More courage

More endurance

More to give

More of kindness

More of reason

More and some more

Of truth

All along until 

end draws close

With eternal call

I retreat to rest

In slumber

That makes me

Worthy to be

One with Divinity.

Scribbled circa 1995; cravings and calls have stood the test of time - so it seems!

Apne paraye chehron ke samudra mein

Thapedon se simta

Ek ret ka tila

Apne tapte zarron ko liye

Khada hai

Suraj tale

Badi besabri se intezar hai

Us raat ka 

Jo saath layegi sannata, khamoshi

Aur khunak gehre sukoon ki.

Found it in a scrawl - scribbled on a telephone diary circa 1995