I am at sea

 I am in Delhi to attend wedding celebrations of Shashank's daughter's wedding. Was so tired last night ... every pore seemed to ache calling for pause... a rest. Woke up this morning with sound of laughter echoing in my consciousness- the spontaneous laughter that reverberated in my ears over the phone, playing on chords of my heart last night. I had expressed my gratitude to Providence for keeping a soulmate securely non-attached. It mattered to me... in a silly way. Deriving from books of wisdom -  it was a sign for me. And I am grateful.

I didn't mind being mocked. 

It's morning

And I've to hold 

On to yearnings 

That make me snuggle

In memory

Of eyes that melt

Smell and feel 

Of stubble 

That secures 

Presence 

That increasingly 

Means more and more...

I am at sea

With varying emotions

A sturdy ship has lost 

sight of lighthouse signal.

It's difficult..:

 Two days of living in a cocoon of love and restrain my impulsive self ... it was tough. Kept myself buried in Divakaruni's book - narrative of Sita of how she endured. So I endured. 

It's difficult

Being woman 

It hurts

In love.

Do you know 

How difficult it is 

To be woman

And preserve sanctity 

Of femininity,

To love yet withold 

Wait patiently 

To be pulled in circle 

Of protective arms 

To taste love 

In slow sips 

From lips 

That lure 

Lute to play 

In pining heart,

Or else forego

The dance of life 

With show of 

Impassivity?

I'll be patient 

with love.

It was a one night stand at Pash's place; watching him conduct himself in roles of son, friend, employer, neighbour, yogi, human being;

 इक हिंदू था

मिला ज़िंदगी के आख़िरी पक्ष की 

सड़कों पर

कुछ इस तरह मिला

श्रद्धा, भक्ति, ख़ुद के किरदार से

हमें बेहतर मुसलमाँ कर गया !

Udasi

 There is pain, there is sadness. Don't know which is more: it doesn't matter. I shall overcome is the song to hum for now. 

आज उदासी है 

अंदर बाहर पसरी खामोशी के दरमियाँ

ख़ाली मन की चित्कार

बड़ी कुशलता से छुप चली है 

अपनी अंदर समेटें रुदन को 

कि बाहर आने की

व्यक्त होने की

अब वजह नहीं 

मनचाहे श्रोता सो चुके है 

ओढ़े नींद की गहरी चादर 

जो बेशक़ीमत है 

और मेरी बात, जज़्बात ओछे, सस्ते 

सो मैं आँचल में ख़्वाब सँभाले

गिन रही हूँ पल

जो तक़दीर ने किए हवाले !

an 

Na jagah na wajah bachi

 When person you ache for is in dilemma infused confusion, all one can do is to put a stop to fuel that fire the flames 

Cyber -

don't ping 

with messages 

that bring 

promise of love

for my heart ails of

petrification

of another rejection

it has accepted 

love isn't her

song to sing!

 What does one do when the one whose shoulder and chest you look to rest you hurting head against, reports being damp and down? 

I decided to endure the scorch of life all alone.

तुम्हारी चुप थी 

तो लबों ने सोचा 

खामोशी का मैं भी 

बंद लगा लूँ,

तुम्हारा गीला जो सोखना है

अकेलेपन की धूप में 

अपने ख़ुद को

ख़ुद ही तपा लूँ ♥️

 Once again leashed back! I'll hold prisoner for rest of my life without clarity in my view - what's wrong and what's right in Your Dominion. Until then I will hide in smog of my words and feelings. Just listen ....

Lips yearn

for sips of you 

please pour

unto my urn 

for me -

spring of life 

springs from you.

Alter Ego!

Male abruptness is too harsh to endure for a feminine heart. Once again, carefree laughter turned into tears. What extreme emotions do I endure and why? Is it love for another or lack of love for self?

Pray tell -

Who is an alter ego?

One that you connect with when

it suits, and

then spurn?

And, if I am so

for you

where does my ego look

for it's shadow

besides in you?

Show -

where and how am I

a part

of all that you choose

to share the happenings

and going-on

in soul and your mind 

unbridled, unconditional

overtaken by sleep

or, whether full wake,

when and how do you turn

to me for peace

as a choice

that you'd rather make

and want to have

for your own sake

full well with knowing

life's a journey

where 'anitya'

defines the way...

and not coz 

I reach

I call much

to randomly connect

for value

that I receive

in love

with your company...?

Just know -

for you tho'

this might at the very best

be a ranting

that's mundane

Sweetheart, 

soul mateship isn't 

a one-way lane!

So, 

here I'm to voice

listen ....

to my heart's call in protest

all that it cares

to say -

it is Sayonara

from my heart

today.

Ye to hona hi tha!

 Don't want to elaborate on the pain that I felt. It was inevitable. 

हर साँस अभी पूछ रही है -

Hurt हो ?

और ख़ुद से ख़ुद को

क्या झुठलाना ?

हाँ हैं।

हैं तब भी, 

जबकि पता भी है

मेरी नियति है यही 

प्यार देना तो सिखलाया तुमने

भरपूर, पर 

लेन देन की परंपरा उल्लेखते 

भूल गये तुम ये तौर 

देने के साथ 

लेन की भी पारी है;

पास पड़ी थी 

मेरे नाम की पर्ची 

पर मेरी नियति 

तुम बिसरा गये! 

Witness

 My bestie is in sulk mode and I am in happy mode... how the twain shall meet? 🤔🫠

The vibrancy in my heart after seeing those snow clad because of mountain peaks and featherlight cloud passing by was so serenely intense and such that it reminded me of legendary Howard Roark who burst into a gut and gall filled laughter atop a hill. I carry this image in my head.

Witness

A beautiful dream it was

hard to wake up from

and open eyes

to chimes of clock....

I was travelling

I was light 

garbed in lightest of bluish white

I was aface a tall peak

all clad

in whitest of snow 

where it was 

I do not know

may be Arctic

may be Himalaya 

serenely witnessing 

coming and go 

of mortals 

on travel and adventure.

I witnessed too -

its beauty 

was sheer delight 

its height

its presence

calm and secure

silent, strong, and sure...

Then lo aho

I saw

apiece of cloud pass by;

it came in afloat 

with ease without breeze

it drifted in view

at leisure

fleetingly

adorning the mountainface 

with heart stopping allure,

the grace that was to witness 

was such a momentous sight 

ever so gently 

in my heart 

a bubble of glee arose 

I received and preserved it 

as seal 

of Almighty's presence 

that so certainly, longingly was asserted 

in all that seemingly 

at present is

so goddarned not right.

In dream I erupted 

in a heartful carefree laugh 

with knowing -

I am safe 

I am home 

at long last.

Dream

Yesterday it was Baba in black and today this dream of a stillbirth ... so vivid, so clear and I cried as I felt it's cold and still body as it lay in the womb that was meant to carry it safely into arms of life in wait. And yet it was gone before being borne. It felt like Samar's. Invoking Allah's protection for him and his unborn child.

In dream I felt the baby's skin, its genitals (noting) it's a male child, the striped cord wrapped around twice in a loop around the trunk. It had been strangulated. But can cord around trunk strangulate? The body showed signs of early maceration. I was reciting nauha of Ali Akbar alone and in grief with tears in that dream.

I woke up palpitating and perspiring at 2 am. Sat in meditation to recompose self. What's the meaning? What's it telling me metaphorically? Didn't get any answers. Let me note down the dream..

Dreamt -

Of stillbirth today

Early hours of morning

Woke up perspiring

Foetus.... no no baby

In the womb was dead

And still

With pain

In my bones

And an aching heart

I cried 

In vain - 

It was part of me 

Unborn and lost.

😭

Holding back is the light of wisdom. Why affect others with negativity scribed in my Akashic records - it has shown me nothing but the face of rejection and abandonment. I am scared stiff of getting close to anyone.... the moment I lose myself in love of another, they are taken away or driven to repel me in sheer distaste. Gosh, I should've become immune to this and still I end up crying in vain! Stupid me. Accept accept accept is the mantra to jaap.

नाराज़गी अगर है भी तो 

तुम से क्यों ? -

तुम ने तो पहले ही 

हाथ उठा

हृदय विहीन होने का 

है दावा ठोका 😊

अगर दिल मेरा डोला 

तो रब की पहचान का 

हम ने है तोहफ़ा समझा;

हाँ कसक है तो सही

उन फ़ासलों से

जो है दरमियान में पसरे 

पर इनको क़ुर्बत में बदलने

का हो हौसला किस का?

आप शम्स हो कइयों के

कई अंधेरे को है इत्मीनान 

जाने कब से -

हमें अंधेरों में जीने की है 

आदत भी कब से कब से; 

धूप का टुकड़ा जो मिला

जितना भी था, काफ़ी है रहा 

इस जन्म के लिए 

ना कोई तकलीफ़, ना शिकवा

ना ग़ुस्से का सिलसिला -

बस कोशिश यही 

कि परछाई मेरी 

किसी शम्स की रोशनी को

कर जाये ना रुसवा बेजा

छोड़ूँ ना किसी पर 

अपने नसीबों के गहन के 

गहरे निशाँ

शनि और मंगल के चक्करों का 

बड़ा डर है यहाँ; 

यक़ीन ख़ुद पे नहीं, और 

प्यार में स्वार्थ का कोईं 

दस्तूर नहीं

इसी फ़िक्र में 

शबो रोज़ मेरे कटते तनहा 🙏🏼 

Amazing how love catapults to amazing heights only to overthrow you in a nosedive, heart-stopping fall! 

Yet it's the most beautiful and elusive miracle of creation.

So -

the sun was out 

today -

it outshone colour 

of every floral

still in bloom;

the heart 

still held damp

of gloom

was residual 

from yesterday.

Feet 

jumped up 

to skip and step out 

to affirm - 

no more

not any more

let me not honour

being slave

with imprisonment 

within self imposed 

doom.

Love or no love 

from another,

in spirit of self preserve

let's breathe 

free.

Felt the attempt to distance last evening. There's a full plate on the other end, and to drop me off it, is the easiest solution. I understand. 

Still ....जाने क्यों it hurts. 

Dil hi to hai ..: aur mera to sada baccha hai ji.

मुद्दत हुई खामोशी की 

आज फिर मेरी

घंटी नहीं बजी 

मौन मेरा फ़ोन था, 

सुई घड़ी की सरक गई!

हैरान है दिल -

बंदा है नासमझ

इसी ग़म में है गिरफ़्तार 

क्या वो रहा खामोश

या फिर किसी प्रकार 

मैं हुई हुँ ख़ताकार -

गफ़लत हुई है क्या

क्या खता अनजाने ही 

सरज़द हो गई?

या शायद फिर 

नाकामी है मुक़द्दर

इतनी सी बात है

इस में ढूँढना किसी का भी 

दोष क्या - है बेकार

बेकार बात है।

यूँ भी - 

मुहब्बत में मेरे नुक़्स हैं

ये जाने हैं सब तमाम

कितना भी करूँ इहतमाम  

ये पौध हमें 

सहती नहीं जनाब 

बस जान कर ये नसीब 

मैंने भी खामोशी की 

है आड़ ली...

फिर भी आँखों से

आंसुओं की धार 

जाने क्यों 

बेसाख़्ता दिले बेताब 

को घंटों 

कल रात सींचती रही -

पल पल घंटों से जा मिला

और यूँही

मेरी शाम ढल गई!

तुम क्या हो मेरे?

Today Pash tagged me as his 'alter ego'. And I started diving deep into the definition. Knowing him is a miracle. The comfort of company comes without guilt and with no expectations other than staying connected while breath remains.

पता नहीं तुम 

क्या हो मेरे

या हमारा तुम से क्या रिश्ता है -

आल्टर ईगो 

या, अंतरंग मित्र

किस परिभाषा में सीमित है 

मेरा अहँ

जो तुम में मेरा मैं ढूँढता है

तुम्हारी कहानियों के रंग से

अपना मन भरता है 

दर्द तुम्हारा मेरा दिल को छु कर 

अक्सर आंसू बन

बह चलता है...

बस तुम से तुम पे ही 

अब तो 

बिन माँगे हर चाहत दिल की 

निर्भीक पल पल 

केवल तुम पर ही 

इनका वज़न धरता है !

At times, I don't understand myself. The maze of navigating between right and wrong is so impregnable and un-navigable at times.

Victor Frankl made sense

when he said -

between stimulus and response, 

there is a space;

in that space is our power to choose

our response;

in our response lies 

our growth and freedom.

I so chose today

not to barge in, impose

on territory that's not

never was

never will be my own.

I look in mirror now

eye to eye

and ask -

did I grow?

It affirms in pain

in truth it reflects

I've grown smaller

in heart I'm more demure,

in need of a stronger

armour

that desists

use and throw!

No more...

 It's been happening.... for too long!

It often happens

When love is forgotten

And hate becomes 

A raging fashion.

When this happens 

Children're orphaned

Womanhood defiled

Limbs are lost 

And so are happy homes

The rage becomes

A force of destruction 

It happens when 

this happens -

Fog shrouds the hapless brain

There ain't a reason

No justification 

To justify numbers 

That depict 

human devastation

It has happened 

It'll continue to happen

Unless the silence 

Is no more in vogue

Hand in hand 

Peace lovers crowd 

To shout out loud

No more -

Enough 

We won't let it happen

Anymore 

This is our world 

Where peace should 

Reign.

I

 I am confused-

This longing is set

To continue

Leaves me wondering 

Is it truly for you just

Or in truth

It's for the One

Who brought 

Me to you ?

dil

It's a struggle, a true strife to find balance of heart between what should be and what can't be. 

दिल बेदर्द

आवरागर्द

हुआ बैठा है

और हम उसे

चेहरे पे पड़ी

सिलवटों 

में समेटने को हैं

बेक़रार

दिल बेदर्द

आरज़ूमंद 

है हमें बनाने को

गुनहगार

दिल बेदर्द है

मगर हुआ बेकाबू

जो पा कर

ख़्वाबों का आसमान

चाहता करे अपना सच

साक्षातकार-

क्या करें 

दिल ही तो है!

Promise of love

Most love fails at this point ... but it's good as long as the illusion lasts .... or maybe to stay silent and not ask is the best strategy to keep it alight?

I'll walk 

No matter what

Ecstasy-ing in melody and music 

That in love abounds

In face of low 

And high high 

Grounds

Be it heat

Or, cold bloody

I can endure 

The roast, the freeze

Together I can overcome 

All with ease

Without any name to give 

Be called so and so 

In a way that befits any 

Paradigm of society

Staying 

Walking hand in hand

With you

I'll wade thru every storm

I can be brave

for love, in love 

I can walk strong and tall

Heeding heart's call 

But to continue 

On this thorn laden path

Love, I ask -

Can you?

Khul ke barse

It's festival time

A time to rejoice...

The gift of a question

That'd turned to  silence....

Tumhein kya chahiye ? -

Ye jo tum ne 

meri aan aur armaan se puch liya

Besaakhta ummeedon ke dareeche

Dil ne yun khol diya

Barsan thi phir aankhon se 

Aur zuban pe shukriya 🙏🏼 

Barefoot

Yesterday, I reflected on why I end up barefoot or choosing footwear that is as open to elements as possible. Time and again, people have pointed this out to me. This happened yesterday, too, when I walked to the High Street in my flip-flops, and someone asked me, "Aren't your feet cold?" I smiled. Let it pass. Then, I reflected. 

This has always been me whenever I can -  duty room, home and, of course, in the park. Penny dropped today during a random exchange of messages with Pash, starting with the Pakeeza song - chalte chalte yunhi koi mil gaya tha...

He becomes my teacher by making me look in the mirror and comprehend my resolved and unresolved heart yearnings! 

The feminine in me

goes for all that's natural 

I love to keep 

my feet bare

not restrain

or keep them under cover 

or safe over a weather-hardened sole;

I let them feel 

assurance of firm ground 

I let them feel 

feather-light promise of fresh air

they can sense and taste

earthly smell that emanates

after a hearty soak of rain 

I run, dance and walk

barefoot in the park 

sans constrain

when on a stroll 

feeling firm on the ground I tread

when pebbles prick and prod

my feet can take the hurt

to feel the sore 

then heal 

and walk further afar

wee bit more....

with miles ahead on stretch 

who knows

when final milestone will lay ahead

very close.

 

तुम जितना दोगे

उस से ज़्यादा की कोई माँग नहीं 

निभाने की क़सम मेरी थी 

तुमने तो कभी खाई ही नहीं

यूँ भी -

उन दस्त से क्या लेन देन की 

करें उम्मीद 

उल्फ़तो जुर्रत में है छिड़ी रहती 

जहां बेवजह तकरार;

मेरा माज़ी हमारे पाँव की 

ज़ंजीर भी है 

सब से बढ़ कर 

आप की सुनायी दी हमें 

कभी हाँ ही नहीं ।

Harvesting pause

Yes, no questions are left to be asked. Just let me be.

In an attempt

for harvest 

of my pause

I've chosen still silence;

with no questions

asked of You

and no tools to hand

maybe 

it'll be the fodder;

I'll seek not

to unearth

more truth -

let me be

let my silence grow

me.

Tarpan

Today is the day of offering (तर्पण) sacrifice to 'मुनासिबत'.

This was coming anyway .... a number of theoretical premises can be put forward and hypotheses conjectured to explain what and why. What's the point? Like I could say that the other's heart is stirred by someone else. Or, familiarity breeds contempt - and my not playing hide and seek games out of the regard I hold for feeling of Love and You and Your Divine plan is my undoing. All a series of unknown possibilities. However, what I've come to know for certain and from experience is that you don't want me to be fulfilled in heart. So be it. 

Yesterday DP lost his father's watch. He was hurt and I was in pain ... knowing full well what such sentimental losses mean to a sentimental soul. And then intuition alerted me that this is coming. The loss was perhaps taken as a sign from the departed soul and after a long gap in communications, when I reached out, I got this message  👇🏼

"मैं भूल जाऊँ तुम्हें 

अब यही मुनासिब है ,,,,"

Well who am I and how dare I question - "मुनासिबत"?

I always have and will always accept. 

Yet let's be clear on the terms of this parting deal between You and I. No matter how much pine and pain you parcel out to me with twists and turns in Your storyline, I will not humiliate the नारी within me and send her out with a begging bowl for love. So....

आज से 

फिर से आँख सूनी है 

सूनी है दिल की माँग

तुम कर अपना प्रण अर्पण

सब बिसर 

जा बैठो 

अपने रब के परिसर, 

भजन कीर्तन का करो 

उस ठौर सहर्ष अलाप;

मेरा घट तो सदा 

अलख निरंजन 

मौन, चुप को धार 

मैं भी सहज 

रागूँगी राग विराग 🙏🏼

Dealing with the void is to Pause

 II guess, I am not the only one haunted by this feeling - the vacuum is powerful👇🏼

I feel incomplete

On more than one fronts 

It's not that 

I haven't tried enough

In fact it has been too much

And it's about time 

I sense - 

In this journey of

Pretty little and so much

I come to rest, just

Pause.

love and war

Love is my elixir, especially now when all seemed dark and ugly in my personal life. I am grateful. It has, though, taken my eyes off the world radar and calling of my soul - to alleviate suffering due to disease and death. 

News of the escalating war in the Middle East hit hard last night when I caught up on world news after a long heart-to-heart with Pash. Remorse for selfishness and being lost in my own healing was there....but can an ailing medicine man bring any good to anyone?

I've been selfish

I am in anguish

for I forgot

I was lost

so rapt in the moment

that was wrapped around

you and me.

I forgot

there's a war raging

innocent lives were being taken

by death for no reason

except for their nation

warlords -

had decreed

it to be dead!

Childhood was being orphaned

youth being maimed

young bride being widowed

before the night's shadow fell

she didn't get a chance

to feel safe

in her lover's first embrace;

mother, daughter, young and old

even unborn in the womb

all were sent back home

where they'd come from

with sudden blasts of bomb -

indiscriminate

in the violence

was spelt their

power-ordained doom.

Darling -

amidst this havoc

what right did I have

in sweet company, I've languished

devouring beauty

when you sing

ever so lovely -

each and every song?

I sit beside me now

on solitary lonesome watch

I soak

newsfeed after newsfeed

is being served

past the midnight clock

to deliver knock

perhaps on conscience,

in sorrow

my grief is partnered

by the darkness of remorse.

How could

I while off time

in play of match with Cupid

so lost I was in his trance

for I knew none

to be more sublime

than tug of unconditional luv;

here though in this hour,

wakefulness has made its call-

I'm sorry

I'm afraid

it all feels

very very wrong;

and makes me ask

how could my breath

breathe fury

at wanderings

of your philandering heart,

whoever there

reigned supreme

while you'd given

her reins of your heart;

why ever should

mundane matter

when time's swift on move,

in my flow of gay abandon

so blinded I was,

I'd missed to see

our planet's tumultuous mood.

Now in this wake-minute

it's obvious

where I stand

is nigh closer to the end

than from where it'd all begun,

I question so -

how dare I

rise beyond the norm

and not heed the human cry

how dare I fall in love

when call of suffering

should've left me

gut strong and in heart light;

it was the need of hour

to stride right

for the right.

Sorry,

if I say and admit, I've been selfish

so in anguish

I'm penning down remorse -

well, they say all is fair

in true love and, in any

goddamned hateful war -

will this excuse then suffice

my indiscretion be forgiven

will it be judged fairly-fair

in match to

unfairness in this war?