Wrapped in blue 

of my time tattered shawl

in silent, stillness and solitude

I sit tall

to take stock 

of vestiges that’ve fell off me -

a woman, daughter, sister, mother, lover

stubborn wayward child forever

professional who loves to serve 

changing cloaks, coat and hat

even when 
personal health bugles call

for ailments to take toll

so much that
urn did crack.

All that was me

is bygone now

I stop to look 

then look again

of what remains there to seewhich one of these holds real me?
i whistle and whisper to get its heed

until subtly softly it comes to fore

an ‘I’ was unaware of 
for so long before -

its waiting silently

unscathed, unscarred by all.

aching to dance to a lively tune

Revel in sunshine

look to moon at Moon

ready to laugh

smile with wink
flatter all sense

with sight, sound and smell 

that ushers in with every breath 

refusing to age
or dwell to suffer
with itchy sole
ready to scale
all height and depths
live the life to very full
prepared to battle

take stand for cause

that touches core, moves my heart
it aches to reach 
beyond earthly shackle
and attain more than call

of pre-programmed destiny.

So with whom should I identify? -

The social roles 
that were capped on me

to last a while - then fade with time

Or, this ‘I’

That's been laid back

Waiting to be known

By me alone.

As I pondered

a penny dropped –

So this was why

Divine intervened

to let me be known

through all that enthralled

on stage of life where spotlight fell
exposing mesmerising hues 

of my coloured pot'

lost in applause

that came across

when did I ever once 

pause to see or heed

the ‘I’ 
that remained under cover.

Destiny however 
when it took control

ruthlessly tore all 
illusory role -

all was mortared to its very bit

till it was revealed –

what lay at core alone

was Self that’d endured

battering of sense thru' time;

the silent observer

then got to see and ask

when glare did recede –

who am I?

who am I?

who will be I always be?

Perception bubbled

As ‘I’ at rest
left myself to be steered
with Divine's hand 

in prime control

I regained lost sight and track

brought humbly down to knee

Grace let it be known 

for certain

the Truth spoken, written 
by my very soul 

Yes yes I know I've to make amend
with who I am -

I am that

who is meant to last

beyond all realm
of finite time and space of earth

born with life to bear witness
of eternal, ever lasting truth

of magnificent Presence

that endures for love and peace;

that I am

is a gift to me

it comes from no other, but He

all that's truly true in me

is His and His alone -

this is the 'I' 

thats here to stay and reside 
and then return

when the Supreme will's done

to dot of 'i'

and cross of 't'.

What is liberation?

It's realisation? 

Realisation of what? 

Of Self  

How'll self realisation dawn

With action -

U'll have to do? 

Do what? 

Ask, query 'Who r u?' 

Unveil, remove illusion

Seek hidden core, inner truth

To reveal pearl

In oyster

Be still

Be silent

Be with solitude 

Let miracle then unfold

When light and love

Begin to seep thru shell

That's unpicked

What's revealed 

Is the Divine in You.

Let's be connected

Lets be one

In consciousness 

Of our being

Let's enjoin

To make together

Pristine peaceful White

Coz spectrum of VIBGYOR 

When emerges out 

Of the illusions in prism

It's inevitable

It'll merges to form

Radiance of White Light 

That illuminates to serve

With splendour and love

The  eternal truth:

From Him we've come 

To Him we'll return

Having served Divine intent 

That stitched, sow each Self

onto rich tapestry of life.

I heeded
calling of my heart
and heard
Your name was
being whispered
in still silence.

I sought
for healing of my soul
then felt cool salve
anointed on
with hope alight as flame
I knew transitory bite
was to lessen
human pain.

I looked
for partner among all folk
I found none willing to walk
all along - until in despair
I turned in
and sighted You
on Divine throne
I smiled with a wow
in this company -
who now
would say I am a lone?

A friend questions

at mid-stations of my life

who is a real husband?

I whisper aloud

he is a Man

who cares and cherishes

nourishes cheer

in life with you

without pheras or fire

any statements of I do

he joins joyous dance

to celebrate and desire

all that's alive in you.

Hold on

waves over waves rolled in
toppled me over
while i determinedly
clung to land
holding on to sand
with might
that was to hand...
until coarse grains of mini gravel parted
they edged
and gave me hold
without push or shove
it stood me up from fall -
it was now for me
to claw my way
on to anchor
on uneven shore
that life offered
as transit,
its a temporary ordain
a tranquil rest
from where
another journey
is surely about
to begun.

keep out the chill

I did well
last night to keep out the chill
i hugged
hot water bottle
close to heart
doing so -
I'd bedded
sleep in no time.

अकेलेपन क़ा स्वाद
स्वादिष्ठ है यूँ क़ि
विराजमान हो मन में
अब केवल तुम
जिस के परे न खींच सकें हैं यहाँ
कोई नर या नरेंद्र
वासना या दर्द की लकीरें
असत प्रीत के नाम पर  -
तो सम्भालो मुझे इस पल
की मुझे समतल
धरती की तलाश है
जहाँ भावनाओं के उतार चढाओ
की बाधा रुकावट न बने.

You and I
we came
from the very Same
here and now
in common time and space
to behold and listen
hold hearts and hands
to tango life's dance
together....

you ask

why i turn to you?

i say

coz i believe 

i was turned by Him to you

and I know

as a shepherd

will never mislead

his flock,

a father never misguide

his errant child
never will He lead astray
when having lost the way
we suffer in trial, travail
and seek
that we be shown
our purpose and His cause -

so its been

when neck deep in woe

not knowing who's friend

who's the foe

I was gently swirled around -
Grace chose to show
His face

to behold, reach out,
stay afloat 
then anchor

and remarkably in doing so
The Creator

with ease delivered both
in single masterstroke!

To try

alone is all that's human -

this ability 

to persevere, press on

through adversity

we pursue

with what was endowed

in promise of nirvana

.......

And so I do

and do again

not to head

for lush of heaven

it's only 

to be one with You.

ठोकर लगी
तो गिरे
फिर उठे
फिर चले
कुछ यूं कि -
थिरकने लगी ज़िन्दगी!

heart vs mind

Mind beckons 

with thoughts 

and many crafted reasons,

it lures

towards baser identity

whereas the heart -

it calls upon

to rise 

with every single beat

if listened to,

it inspires to attain

Divine eternity.

As winter freeze

thawed this year

through mellow spring 

to give 

way to summer breeze -

I saw three choices present

for my yet un-lived 

years of life.

In answer to

oft asked question

Who am I

- a child of God

- God's reflection

- or, a servant of God?

without a flicker or doubt

not with any hesitation

I bowed in gratitude

to chose

to be a mere instrument

of Grace -

it unfolds life 

to flow with 

the Divine will.

From darkness

leaped at me

Demons of loneliness

Deception and a sadness profound

I then seized upon fear

using as lever

I valiantly peered

at bygone past

and found -

looking lovingly

at my soul's silent ground

You stood beyond, yet near

With light upheld

I could see God

alone His presence

unwaveringly stood

to show 

my faltering self -

the way.

Thank You

- for I've finally

put a full stop

with complete peace

to my fall

in ache and pine

to be in love

and loved too

as I leafed thru' 

Liz Gilbert's journey

to eat pray and love

it was impossible

not to notice

how remarkably wondrous

and gentle was Your way

to let the penny drop

and sink to let me know

the what, why, how

of happenings of my life

and now

that I know You

I know myself better too

its easy to accept -

all that matters

here and now

in ever-expanding Universe

is the only truth and case

there's only this that matters

- affair's just

between You and me.

wounded soul
seeks no salve
but to rest its being
savour the whole
that seeps off
when awakened

From slumber!

belief versus certainty

I've converted -

from one who believed

to one who is certain

for belief came with duress 

as I

had to look, hear, try

consider to make sense

then proclaim 

without depth of knowing:

'I believe', 

with certainty however

nature aligns 

self to the invisible force

it knows

without being told

I'm certain 

there's a purpose to being -

its to humbly respond
to Creator's call.

थक गयी हूँ
पड़ाव ढूंढ़ते ढूंढ़ते
शायद सच है यही
 यहाँ सिर्फ़ सफ़र है
ठिकाना  कही नहीं।

every moment
consciousness seeks to materialise
with yet more clarity
the way to be whole -
then fears and old beliefs
surface as trappings
of very own ego
to shackle dream
urge not to soar
beyond known realm
of my comfort zone
in name of safe security,
yet heart refuses
to follow and tow line
etched painstakingly
by long gone ancestors..
in plain despair
i peer
thru' glassy darkness
of the night of soul
to read signs
that were left behind
by those who'd dared
to trod
the road not taken -
choice becomes then ever
so clear
i know
rather than stay
in known zone
i've to step out
cross Lakshman's line -
me prefers to
take leap of faith
experience fall through uncertainty.

This broken tree
its been turned to logs
that I sit upon
to rest, pause awhile
to soak refresh
in sight of green
it tells me
with awareness of pain
that's part of every broken form -
despair not
for within gloom that
dares to penetrate
thru' cracks of rot
in the fallen tree
still speaks of hope
that says to feel
each moment of incompleteness
that lies within
as a raw space
untouched, unfilled
waiting with tender reminder
to be cherished not condemned
its remains yours to say
whatever destiny
brings your way
core strength of purpose
is never to be taken away
by pine and pain of undeserving love
there's still lies within
broken self a further capacity
to serve, to give -
broken logs of my being
are still of worth and able
to offer tranquil and needed rest
I can still be respite
for a while
to another tired, worn out soul.

Its Ramazan

Its Ramazan -
you ask and it'll be given,
my mother whispers
in my lonesome ears
urging to bring some cheer
to my quiet
that seems as gloom
to her gentle, despairing heart.

I return
from reverie
I break to smile:
Mom - I've been given
even more before
when I knew not
what's mine to ask for
He turned the show
in Royal style
for me to perceive experience
of miracle -
I was given chance
this year to see
my very own wayward soul
as one with Whole
when I glimpsed and saw
my own self
reflected thru' another eye
and this blessing came
unasked my way
much before it was Ramazan.

कितनी आसानी से
तुमने चमत्कृत किया
कर्ण का स्वरुप अनायास
मन में उतार
अल्हड चित से अपरिचित को
सहज कुछ यूं कहलवा दिया -
मैं कर्ण हूँ
पहचान सको तो पा लो
कि ये प्रसाद प्रतीत है
प्रभु के बल से
साँझ ढले आया है
इस से पहले कि
सूर्यप्रकाश विलीन हो
दिल संभालो -
ये पाप कहाँ
ये पावन प्यार
तुम्हारा है.

As quest 

for why, where, what and who

ends - I look for crumbs

and leftovers

on my plate

all that's here is mine
I know

all that's left now 
will stay

it'll be only for You

So once again

I turn a page

Without blindfolds this time 

I look through visible script
to read the scrawl 
of invisible hand

that holds for me

the decree 

of Divine.

Cry of heart

So much 

You've given me

Above those around

I know

I accept

I thank

Yet appeal for more -

More of content

More patience

More vision

More courage

More endurance

More to give

More of kindness

More of reason

More and some more

Of truth

All along until 

end draws close

With eternal call

I retreat to rest

In slumber

That makes me

Worthy to be

One with Divinity.

Scribbled circa 1995; cravings and calls have stood the test of time - so it seems!

Apne paraye chehron ke samudra mein

Thapedon se simta

Ek ret ka tila

Apne tapte zarron ko liye

Khada hai

Suraj tale

Badi besabri se intezar hai

Us raat ka 

Jo saath layegi sannata, khamoshi

Aur khunak gehre sukoon ki.

Found it in a scrawl - scribbled on a telephone diary circa 1995

A warrior either 

Triumphs, or 

Falls to ground

Defeated yet proud

That he stood

Tall for his call

Not failing belief 

Of life

He warred 

for a cause

And waged  strife

For truth

That beckoned forth

His self

To scroll on pages 

that hold the likes -

Of Gandhi , Teresa, Martin Luther king

All persevered to shine the light 

And show -

Victory is in courage to fight

War won or lost 

It's immaterial

It's quite another thing!

Fidelity

It's a rival now -

it seeks to not know

Humaneness of emotion

Or purity of intent 

Or emptiness of lone

Or unseen innocence

That's dared to desire

Beyond limits of norm.

Hastily then 

Lines of judgement 

stand drawn

Its circumspect:

- how can love falter?

- how can it be on offer 

   without question or ego?

- how dare it overstep

  whats permissible, whats not?

As jury stands 

to judge my soul

I'm on trial

So I turn 

My head

Looking eye to eye

I raise my chin

And before it can ask

With hands up in air

I state the obvious

No - no permission was granted

It wasn't even sought

I submitted without ration 

or a thought

I surrendered to accept

what knocked on the door

Of my heart's core

What's worse men

Listen - 

I'm not guilty or sore

I've chosen the given

With right

Not amor.

panchali's pain

Panchali's pain

has lived thru eons of time -

it lives still

raw in recesses 

of female consciousness 

that's been let down,

disgraced in love

also in matrimony 

all in all

being let down in trust

completes journey 

of romantic feline soul;

so having lived 

the Mahabharata of my time 

Friend

its time for me 

to head 

towards gates of heaven now!

Desire and destiny

Paths of desire and destiny

reportedly go separate ways

Desire highways

over and across

scintillating flames

that blaze to devour

it feeds 

fuel to Hellfire

for hereafter.

Destiny on the other hand

courses over dull terrains

in surrender and hope

that it'll

inch closer so

will allow peek 

or rest in grandeur

it'll bring 

at very least closer

to the eternal garden

of Heaven.

Consciousness then

silently reveals

Yet another path 

there is indeed

a serene trail 

of peaceful ease -

Synchronicity

with eyes of will

delivers safe

to haven 

every soul

wrapped warm within

a shawl

of rainbow hues

they go all the way

from desire

to desired destiny.

I am

I am
existence and consciousness
of love, truth and peace;
am content 
as created by You
however if there seem
a gaping gap 
or ugly hole
in any part -
I will ask nought of any;
All I'll do
is to humbly beseech
in surrender bow
for then its up to You
Almighty, for me
only You can open the door
to walk through 
To deliver 
this fragmented 
Soul within
to its Grand Whole.

Commitment

Since you're

wanting to commit,

I ask -

Just be there for me 

to rest in knowing

There's someone who

cares more than 

Loved ones through

Vows of marriage

Or bonds of blood could

Ever do....

you're welcome

to be the friend 

I need indeed!

'Ziddi', 'pagal'

Stubborn, insane

Mad, maverick -

These titles adorn my mantle

Awarded by sane souls

Who I chanced upon

Journeying thru' my life

I read, I smile

And ask - why

Am I being honoured so?

Just because I chose 

To stand by

Regardless of scorch or shade

Colour or creed

For every cause 

That touched my soul

I dared to look

Into life's eye!

My bed

My bed's my boat

Where I

Dwell and dream

sometimes float
glide with thoughts
setting to sail
resting on wings
of timeless time -
from earth
I soar to sky.

A superficial scald

From spill of a cup of tea

Was all it took

For You

To set seal

Mark me

Leave me branded for lifetime?

Week after week

I've been out to check

To only find

While all else has healed

This mark 

unfaded  untainted by time

Adorns my skin

Brandishing against pale 

With its dark mystic shine

I smile now - well aware 

It's not ordinary

I was branded thus

Devoutly to Dance
Alone in attendance 

as Thine!

Today -

I just want to listen

to you, him and her

for I've nothing of worth

to offer, 

or to speak to any

for all I expressed before

was mere broth

it sizzled succulently

of tales ego wove

to set forth illusion

it'd imagined for self

and now that its gone

its still

and aware to pain

that’s there 

to linger a while ....

wanting me to savour

and forever remember 

the sweet after-taste 

of what remains now of me -

here I alone

am the I, me, mine

of existence over time

I was meant to perceive

in its entirety

so in silence 

here and now

I just wanna be. 

shadow of dusk

today on evening walk
i noted
my shadow was tall
taller than
the apparently real form,
it carried with ease
eagerly forth
the smaller girth
of me
had no fear of fall.

why had I so fret then
I thought -
to do this or that
it mattered not when
i never was
in charge of how
sun's light will fall
on stage of illusion!

the puppet moved
in wayward moves
till mind and body vied
to take precedence
to control
the Scriptwriter's scroll

it was only when
Self unentangled of strings
in surrender to puppeteers call
it danced with grace
with roaring applause
thru', until the curtain call!

Jotted on 22.4.13

सरकते सायों के दरमियाँ 

थम कर जब 

पलट काँधे से परे तका 

तो पाया -

एक अकेली लौ 

यूं थरथरा रही थी 

मानों सामने फिसलते अंधेरों को 

दुरदुरा रही थी

मेरा हौंसला बढ़ा रही थी 

बस इतनी दमक से 

कि देख सकूं एक कच्ची डगर 

जो सामने बढ़ने का नियोता दिए चली थी,

काफी है ये प्रकाश 

मेरे आज के लरजते दिल को

कि संभल उठा सकूँ कदम ...

डगमगाते स्वाभिमान को यकीन की कमी थी 

तुमने बड़ी आसानी से

राह दिखा पुरी कर दी।