Leashing emotions is not easy for me; however, I am not willing to walk paths where being trampled and spurned is destiny.
Saturday, September 28, 2024
बावली ब्यार
Never say Never
Boy, have you rubbed my nose to the ground!
Yes You have. I had declared that love will never happen to me again - not in arrogance but in contentment and acceptance that it's not scribed for me by You in scroll of destinies. And this is how You've shown me the ground?
Thank You.
Each day unfolds
Holding within its kernel
Your splendour's there to display
In ordinary mill of day
I've held, borne witness to an array
Of many many miracle
They unfold
To dusk from dawn
Back again to show of sun,
In ordinary haps along the way,
I've seen to near sixty
In year - if I were to count
And learnt in bittersweet way
"Never to say never" -
Is the wisdom
That's here to stay!
I don't know if I've been silly. I do know I was honest, when I objected to be tagged as friendly Bro'. My feelings were as far removed from brotherly-sisterly affection as the sun is from moon. So I raised objection to protect the face of most sacred of emotions which takes seed in the most unexpected of grounds/ situations and circumstances.
Thursday, September 26, 2024
दर्पण का सवाल
The cycle of personal pain and anguish on all fronts - physical and emotional over the past year has opened my heart even more to the pain and suffering writ large on face of humanity. I am part of it as an observer and perpetrator too. Guide me to alleviate as much and as long as I can - is the prayer that soul calls out for, as I sit in reception waiting for my turn to be called in for postop follow up appointment. The Consultant is late and held up in a road traffic accident. The TV news anchor is announcing the damages in Gaza.
आज आईना में
जो अक्स है
अब मेरा नहीं रहा
यहाँ प्रतिमिंबित पीड़ परायी है
तस्वीर दिखा
जो पूछ पड़ी मुझ से -
नज़र चुरा ना
भीत को तज
दर्द साझ तु
हर के ज़ख़्म को सोख ज़रा
क्या इस के वजूद में
कुछ अंश नहीं
तेरी भागीदारी का?
Sunday, September 22, 2024
Kintsugi
In the names of Al Khaliq (The Creator) and Al Musawwir (the Artist), I am driven to ask:
I'm so battered
and bruised
broken to pieces
in a zillion
different ways;
The crescendo
This time
Is sound of shatter
With crack opening of ego
Self’s been decimated;
Echo of Big Bang
Reverberates in Universe within
Unsung life’s song
I hear -
Resounding reassuringly
The gong
States what? -
Is this my final ode?
I’m done with
Or shall I still cling
To hope
I’ll breakthrough
As a new piece revived
To serve
Afresh with Your
Kintsugi?
Friday, September 20, 2024
बाईसे हयात...
It is said that it's best to hold on to one's expression in love - the risk of being spurned are too high. The knocking to self worth can be lethal. Yes ...I've been there.
However, the price of not expressing, choking and suffocating what is/ could be beautiful, is far more of a loss esp where पल पल बदल रही है रूप ज़िंदगी.
Woke up from sleep this morning with regrets about waking up. My dreams had his mark all over - the presence was there and very much felt. Didn't feel inclined at all to try to recollect the contents. Just sat with its essence after Fajr prayers. That was enough.
Then as the mind strolled towards consciousness of daily life - a hundred questions and possibilities of 'what ifs' faced me - what if this is one sided?. It is one sided isn't it? It's a trap! It's a test? you'll be left high and dry as before! It's a creation of your mind! I listened to all with bowed head and said - whatever it is, it is mine 🙏🏼.
And then mobile presented me with this song:
https://www.facebook.com/share/v/dJ2KVguQrxHgVCnL/?mibextid=UalRPS
By the time I finished listening, the eyes were brimming with tears and heart with the words below.
तुम ख़्वाब बन गये तो क्या?
जो हो तो बाईसे हयात हो
हम सो चलेंगे अब्द तक
चाहे नींद हो या वफ़ात हो
बिन तुम्हारे ख़याल के
ज़िंदगी चले कहीं -
अब ऐसा सिलसिला नहीं ☺️
Today in Shambhavi I realised that the body was regaining the stillness that had been lost.
Thursday, September 19, 2024
I spent the late hours of the night and early hours before dawn catching up on the techniques and rules of Kriya yoga. I know I have to get it, but my previous attempts to find the right Guru haven't materialised. I need one, Allah. Send it, please. Or am I missing someone? something? Have you already sent? If yes, then please pull off the veil.
सच है -
गुरु मार्गदर्शक का रुतबा बड़ा
हिदायत थी देनी इंसान को
खोया हुआ भटकता सा था
पाने की चाहत कुछ इतनी बढ़ी
हाय तशनगी हाय तशनगी
प्यासे को क्यूँकर ठिकाना दिखे
नज़र है धुआँ सी निशां है मिटे
ऐसे में राह दिखाई ना दे
कोई बाजु पकड़ ले
तो मुसाफ़िर चले
निराकार का फिर यूँ
साक्षात्कार हुआ
गुरु बन के आया
तो बंदा बढ़ा 🙏🏼
Wednesday, September 18, 2024
What's bravery?
What's of merit? -
An attempt to hide
All that i want to stand for
And be known as my truth?
No I call,
Clear and loud
That's ne'er going to be.
Stop - don't snide,
I can hear
The tongues' swag
I'm abhorred
Names are called:
How dare she say forthright
Woman's love is not to say
Has to be hidden
Buried deep in heart
Brings shame when women fall
Esp, if it has trespassed
Boundaries not to be crossed;
To express then Is sin
So its her rightful earn
Come stone
Lash her hard
She has thrown
Our rules to bin.
Has hurt the social pride
So deserves every smite
For throwing caution
To the wind.
I hear
I savour
I put my chin up
Love showed up
For me, in the moment I was bereft
I'll be brave
enough to own
Will never let you down
No matter how I'm made to cry
Love, I will standby.
Monday, September 16, 2024
Yusuf-Zuleikha, Shirin-Farhad, Laila-Majnun ... You stirred them up then why part in pain? I am tired of holding on to emotions. Have lost all skills of keeping my heart to myself, safeguarding it with all that I have. Help me out to sanity.
क्यों इंसानियत का इम्तिहान लेते हो?
इम्तिहान ही है या
तुम इंतिक़ाम लेते हो?
परवरदिगार हो,
रहनुमा भी हो
फिर जोखिम भरी राहों पे
बंदगी को यूँ ढकेल देते हो?
खबर नहीं क्या
बिखरने को अब कुछ नहीं बाक़ी,
एक ठोकर भी लगी
तो बने क़ातिल,
इस मोड़ के अंजाम
पोशिदा हैं क्या तुम से
फिर तुम क्यों अनजान बने
हमारी रफ़ाक़तो वफ़ा के नसीब
मुशक़्क़तों का अंजाम
लिखा करते हो?
रहमानीयत की सौं तुमको
पलटाओं हमें फिर से
पुरसुकून अंधेरों की तरफ
नूर उल्फत का नहीं सहता हम को
ना ही इसकी तौहीन की हिम्मत है हमें
बढ़ाओ हाथ के उठ पाऊँ
इस चकाचौंध की घुप गहराइयों से
आबाद आशिक़ों की महफ़िल में मेरी जगह नहीं
क्यों मेरी रुस्वाई का
अज़्म लिए बैठे हो?
मदद या अली
It's a hyper state. I am reaching the conclusion, it's foolhardiness to resist. Let me fall then.
Will You extend a helping hand? Pat - comes the warning note!
Every fibre tingles
there's vibration in cells
not a tinge
of remorse or urge of possession;
is it -
an earthly emotion
or spiritual ascension
at its best?
I know it from before
'I' as I know - 'I'
tells unabashedly so
open all windows
its your time to soak
but mind is on deter,
says stay put,
turn your back
to lure of more,
if you let go for this once
again,
flood gates will open
sweep you off the floor -
phenomenon
that'll unfold
will be love
and you'll not be able
to find your feet again!
You know - I have surrendered. Now when with first blink at dawn, his thoughts come rushing on to fill my being, I don't resist.
Why agonise over पाप and पुण्य, when what I received was none of my doing? You've given and I have received. Do or undo as You will 🙏🏼
Just remember - there are two sensitive souls drowning in the cosmic river of Your given time. As Vidhata it's Your dharma to deliver them to the manzil You've assigned.
Please do it with love.❤️
क्यों आते हैं तुम्हारे ख़याल?
सुबह से साँझ ढले
बस एक ही सुरूर, एक ही आस
मिल जाये किसी सू दिल को सुकून
जो हो जाये तुम्हारा विसाल
क्या है मेरे लिये तुम्हारे ये ख़्याल -
हैं रहमत रब की
या मेरे ज़ब्त से उसका सवाल?
Sunday, September 15, 2024
You let me down...
Dreams, visions, story boards - and I've followed all Your signs with trust. Every time I've been let down. Regardless, I've gathered my stance and walked in surrender, with acceptance.
But this time - no more. It has happened before, I asked and You heeded not.
My pain is inconsequential to You.
This time
I'll change my game
in my stance
You'll find
no longer trust -
gem that outshines
gleam of gold
its lost, defines me no more,
I'll receive the ordained
with no ask of why,
for I'm sure
benevolence isn't in
Your design for me;
forever a sophomore
I'll remain
in trials of war and love
that You've writ large
in white and black
on my assigned time
and space so far,
I'll face knowing for sure
this script's been scribed
with intent
to mark me fail;
I'll accept
no matter
how much my spirit flails
the score of nought
in school of life, is alright
I'll remain a zero
whenever love calls in
I'll be doomed and damned
I'll suffer pain, afterall
its part of divine plan
so what's the point
in turning to Thee
with plea
for respite and mercy?
Do scorch my soul,
do let go of me as before
for when I kneel
to beseech
with humility, or cry
asking in Your Name,
no matter which language I try
being heard is not my fate
in Divine domain!
So, leave me lost,
to loiter, to wander
with no guide to point out the way
there's no urge to win
no fear of utter loss,
unless You choose to recourse
I'll play my game
this time
with changed stance.
shikayat
Tears are pouring down - non stop and unabated. I am grateful that I am able to communicate with some composure for now - at least through filter of phone/ internet. Reality - तुम जानो या हम!
I know, I've accepted - You don't like my 'rising in love'. I will stay grounded but spare me the pain.
Can't take it any more. Nor can I inflict it on another. I am done with ego. I am done with games of pull and push. So have decided - I will keep still and silent...expected transaction is: please deliver me safe to the other shore 🙏
शिकायत है -
तुमसे नहीं तो और किस से ?
ये जो आँख मिचौली है
वादों की
फिर उन्हें तोड़, बेवजह फरियादों की -
ये सहती नहीं हमें
और बिलकुल भी सोभती नहीं तुम्हें।
खुशबू चार पल की
सजा दी यूँ, क्यों मेरे ख्वाबों के तले?
सेज नरम फूलों की हो
ये पा तुम से हौसला, हम
बढ़ चल तो
फिर क्यों तुमने फिर
दामन को मेरे चाक किया?
हर सू हमें मिलते गए
कांटे ही थे मेरे सिरहाने तले !
माँगा था क्या तुम से
ये होश तो नहीं, पर
हम तैराक कहाँ थे
जो तुमने सैलाबों के
अता कर दिए
लगातार सिलसिले?
इससे तो अकेला ही दीया था बेहतर
कम ही सही
मुस्तक़िल लौ की रौशनी तो थी,
स्थिरता की लपट में
मेरी नज़र देखती तो थी,
जाने किस रक़ाबत में
तुम ने रोशन किये
मेरे कंदीलों में आशाओं के चिराग
इन मशालों की लपट में
खो गए हम हो चकाचौंध
इन की क़तार में
थे कई बेवफा, अधूरे से किरदार -
हर बार हम बढे जैसे प्यासे
की थी पुकार
हासिल हुआ न कुछ
हम रहे प्यासे, उस मै के तलबगार
पी कर जिसे आसूदगी हासिल
जीने का जिगर मिले !
ऐसे मँझदार में डाला है
आप ने रबो परवरदिगार
हम है, कमज़ोर, व नातवाँ
है ये दिल टुटा हुआ, बेआब
नहीं रखना है कोई आस
अब तुम से भी क्यों हमें आसरा मिले
तुन्हे कर दी है आस्था अर्पण
करना नहीं तुम्हारे वादों पर
पहले सा ऐतबार। ...
छोड़ो मेरी बातों को
तहे दिल से लो सलाम
अच्छा है जो तुच्छता मेरी हसरत की
तुम से बापर्दा ही रहे -
लाओ पलटा दो मेरे आँगन में
खिज़ाओं के फिर वही
पुराने से सिलसिले 🤲🏾
Saturday, September 14, 2024
I am at sea...
I see-saw
between giving in
and standing, firm, resolute
an unmoved lass
but alas
no longer in anchor
I've already
let loose my sail
wanting to experience
to be tossed free by waves
I am at sea at last.
Feeling low
Nothing specific -- yes the same void. Attempt at self control. No desire for spurn or rejection...
if only heart could find
a counter gravity force
to overcome
your gravitational pull
and will stop putting meaning
on the understood
and misunderstood;
with surrender
total acceptance,
I'll be a happier person
won't I?
I hear
heart scream in denial -
NO.
Thursday, September 12, 2024
Overthink!
Do I, overthink? ... but, say if I do, then what's wrong with it. How else do I reach solution, conclusion about Your design and then attempt... at the very least to conform and align myself to Divine will.
Today, my light cheery mood was transformed into a pensive mode, triggered by watching the Mahabharata shlokas that Pash sent me:
https://youtu.be/SPdBWac4fQk?si=2qzO1_caMOQaXPqV
Nice, profound but soch mein daal gaya.
Then serious contemplation brought forth this furied query directed at who else but the Supremo.
जब अचल, अक्षोब, श्रीय विहीन साधना
ही प्यारी तुम को
तो फिर ये मोह मोह के धागे जोड़े क्यों?
क्या करें हम इसका -
प्रसाद मान करें ग्रहण उपहार
या पाप समझ निर्मम तिरस्कार?
प्रारब्ध है ये 'गर
तो तुम्हारी परीक्षा fair नहीं,
जो हाथ नहीं मेरे उसके
आवत-जावत की क्रीड़ा पर
मेरा चलता कोई बस
ज़ोर, control नहीं !
वो जो मेरे हाथ नहीं तो
क्यों करो परीक्षा पात्र बना कर
मेरी साँसों का दुरोपयोग यूँही?
और इस दीक्षा के अगर
ज़िम्मेदार जो हो तुम तो
सरल निष्पक्षता से सार बतलाना
भी गुरु धर्म ही का part बना,
फिर बोलो
सब तज अचल सागर सा
विमूर्त बना जग बसाने की
ये तुमरी अपेक्षा, प्रभु -
ये प्रभुत्व का है मुज़ाहिरा
या केवल
मानवप्रीत प्रति तुम्हारा
अविरक्त प्रतिशोध रहा ?
PS: hello heed my prayer -
Our Lord in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thine Kingdom come
Thy will be done
On Earth as is in Heaven...
🙏🏼 🤲🏼🙏🏼🤲🏼🙏🏼🤲🏼
य